Christmas.

Merry Christmas Geordie Style!

If you ever watch Geordie Shore (the UK epiphany of Jersey Shore), you know what's Geordie means. They are from Newcastle. Like Cheryl Cole.

This Christmas, I am here to celebrate my Christmas, away from family and friends in the Far East.
I found my new family here, and friends on its way.

Celebrating Christmas away brings me some nostalgic moment especially this is my first EVER Christmas away from everything that I ever known. Except that one time in Labuan. Even then, I was surrounded by faces of friends that makes Christmas a jolly day to celebrate. They were my family.
Today, (in fact the whole week) I've been having this lump on my throat (no, not cancer. Thank God) somehow almost holding my tears every time home knocks on my memory box.

When I was home, I don't appreciate those little things, but I promise you, when you're apart, those are your favourite things (yes, just like the song).
I missed my fake Christmas tree and the lights blinking with beautiful colours.
What I missed the most is the cooking. (tear sheds)
Mak would cook for at least 200 people (yes, 15 kg of meat, 10 kgs of chicken) and I would eat for 10 people. yes, she reserved for me so that the guests don't eat them all. LOL
I freaking love my mom.
Pak would cook the traditional Iban delicacy. Like 'pansuh' (wild boar cook inside a bamboo) and 'ikan bakar' (grilled fish).
I would just wait for these to be serve and after church service, my friends and I would come home and wallop everything that we can.

As a child, I always wanted to have a lot of presents for Christmas.
Now I know, Christmas is never been about presents under the trees or new clothes or cards. It always about holly jolly with the whole family and friends. They are my Christmas (yes, Jesus too).

Today, I am celebrating without them for the second time.
I am so homesick at the moment. Its so hard to swallow.
But, I'll be OK as I know a house is not a home, a home is in my heart. They're close to my heart, for always.

Keep me in your thoughts whenever you have that great food and that delicious drinks.

If you see my family and friends, send my love to them, Geordie style.

xoxo
Gilly the Geordie.

Out of My Mind.

This entry is dedicated to all the teachers in the world, new & old, experienced & novice.

Sir Ken Robinson, Out of Our Minds

I finally managed to finished the book that was introduced to me 2 weeks ago, Out of Our Mind by Sir Ken Robinson. I would like to start off by saying what a book!

With all the praises for this book, it would never enough as it changed the way I think and the way I perceive creativity.
I always think that I am a creative person. Growing up, I always love dancing, singing, drawing, and all that artistry activities. School never really sharpen my talents as I am always stuffed with homework and 'more important' subjects. If I didn't join my local church, I probably don't think my talents will launch and bloom. As learning takes me to everywhere other than my home, I am always struggling to find a place to express myself through these things that I love doing.
I get discourage or to be precise, bitter with my talents. For sure I have them but I can't benefit from them.

This book make me realise that I don't need a place or organisations to help me bloom - it would be great if there's a place to help me, but in whatever you do, you can always be creative. You doesn't require a clay, dance floor, or music sheets. All you need is interest and passion for whatever you're doing. Be creative in your own way as creative is very individuaistic.

Sir Ken tries to help you understand your very specific self, from how your brain works and why it is the way it is. Then, to your society, school, organisation, country and the world. He'll show you how all of these knit to each other and they can't stand alone though creativity is personal.

Personally, reading this book is like Moses receiving torah from God. It is a bible for someone that wants to be creative and especially it is for people in teaching profession to realise how creativity is the main key to unlock the students' abilities.
Every discussions that I have in my Master class always I quoted Sir Ken's word or his perspective because I am a believer now. If creativity is a religion, I am the follower, and his book is my bible.

He also revealed why we are so in a dogmatic situation towards grade, intelligence, school, teaching, creativity, and everything in between.

I can't help it to highlight every single wisdom words from the book and note down for the future reference, or more likely for my own reference.

In my opinion, this is the book that every single person, especially people who works with students in any level and disciplines, should read before deciding to be a teacher.

If you think teaching is not as professional job or an easy job, try to inspire at least one person and come back to him again in 5 years whether he still even know your name (or even recognise your face.) If they failed to do so, you are basically wrong by saying it is harder to be an engineer or a doctor. The time, the effort, the involvement in a relationship is much demanding for teacher-student relationship.

Go and learn to be creative.

xoxo

Brunel. British. Brixton. & Bullsh*ts.

So I started my course in uni now. Officially done for the first week. That's the reason even the title sounded like a academic paper writing.

Brunel.

Wonderful campus. Mixture of nationalities & background. This is the closest I can get to feel like home. However, the pressure is on! My class is twice a week for 3 hours per session. There are part-time students & full-time students. So you're meeting almost half of a different people every time you enter the class. Back in Malaysia, I thought I am confident & well spoken young man. My classmates are like black hole, sucking anything that pass their way including my light! I used to shine in education classes before but now, I am just invisible & timid little soul trapped with this amazing creatures filled with glowing experiences. Though I acknowledge Dr. Angelo's opinion about get into the field for couple of years & then go for MA to gain some experiences so that you won't be a parasite in the classroom, I still go for MA. I am going to be a parasite for some time. On a better note, with all these experienced teachers surrounding me, I can learn from them & even visit their schools to get a better idea. And a note for me, whatever that I do, being confident is the key. (More news on Brunel in the future blogs)

British.

Can be very annoying at times but they are friendly by nature (mostly). Undeniably, this is one of the greatest country in the world & Malaysian do look up to here. It is funny that they think they are not & think Asian are better. I guess, the grasses are greener on the side of the fence. And oh, haven't mingle around with the Brits that much. Soon I guess.

Brixton.

This is my new neighbourhood. It is so ghetto (not as much as before though) that it makes H&M looks like a corner shop. In the meantime in KL, we lined up to get into the newly build H&M in Lot 10.
The journey to campus from here is a bit long & cold. I have to spend at least 2 hours to/from campus. That's the downside of living here but the city is just 15 minutes away. School is twice a week, and I have 5 days not going to campus, so I guess it's a good bargain to live here.

Bullsh*ts.

I love the chilly weather and sometimes a great sun shows herself for a day or two. Now I know how precious sunshine can be. Back in Malaysia, sunny days should be avoided if you still wish to be sane. I guess it's not the same sun since it gives you a different kind of feeling being under it.

Overall, I am thankful to be here with just a few steps from finding my dreams & everything that is being given to me so far. I'm gonna work harder than I've ever been.

Prayer is what I need from you guys. :)

xoxo

brunelboy

Five Winters.

Let It Snow on Me!

Here I am, writing my blog entry against the neon-based KL city and the moon light.

Everything is bright here, just as bright as my future now.

Though, 5 years ago I don't see any dreams coming true and I don't even remember dreaming about anything.

Then, my life was a joke.

Failing when it comes to studying.

Loser when it comes to friends.

Naive when it comes to dating.

Broke when it comes to money.

I wasn't in the best shape of myself, physically and mentally.

Super skinny.

Lacks of social life.

Bed was my bestie.

My right hand was my pleasure.

Church was a living hell.

Today, my life still a joke for me, but in the LOL kinda moment. Happy.

Failing makes me realise what's my strength are, which I am following starting on 8/10/12.

Money isn't a problem anymore as it never being so important.

I have a lot of people that are close to me & love me just the way I am.

I also have met people who hated me for being who I am.

Along the way, the jerk becomes your bestie but the bestie becomes the worse memory.

And more to come.

I have been through hell and back.

Been rejected many times.

Been accepted for the wrong reasons. etc.

Today, I can't express how happy & proud I am of myself.

All the mistakes, a**holes, & cries are my northern star to point me home.

Home where I can just be myself, doing the thing I enjoy, & giving back.

People said, now you open a new chapter, close the old one.

I say, revise the old one for a better experience in the future.

I know I would make more mistakes, miscalculate, being misunderstood, meeting more a**holes, backstabber, lovers, friends, & living happily.

Today is my convocation. For once last year, I thought I would never finish this degree but I prove myself wrong & rebuke my doubt because I can be whatever I wanna be as long I am willing to.

For that, I would like to thank you every person that I met along the way these 5 years. EVERYONE of you makes me who I am today.

The next time I am writing is from the land of the Queen!

xoxo

gradgilly.

Waiting.

That just not my forte. 

My life is basically hanging by the fact that either I am going to soar higher or stay put -at least for now, is not clear. 

If I set the rule, I just want to get this done ASAP. 

I am the person that instead of waiting for lifeguard to save me, I rather swim to the shore and feel I am progressing even though  I am expose to danger such as shark, because, if I am going to die, I rather die trying than die waiting.

Over the years, I never get the art of waiting, and that just become my charm. 

Now, I am here waiting, and waiting for the decision whether London is going to be a reality or just a place to visit once in awhile.

Dear God, I pray that you keep my initial intention of going to London close to me always and so that my journey heading towards the promise land will open up and be as smooth as silk. Let it be your will oh God. 

xoxo 

W. 

Minta Duit Ari Orang (Asking Money From Others)

Anak aku, anang idup minta duit ari orang, manah agi mati ari ti idup baka nya. Enti pemakai nuan diberi orang bukai, nuan empai idup meruan. Nuan ngemalu diri empu enti pemakai nuan bepanggai ba orang. Orang ke pintar sereta bepelajar enggai ngereja utai baka nya. Orang ke enda nemu malu rindu minta duit ari orang, taja enda nyamai dalam ati. (Sirakh 40:28-30 TDIR) For now, I am uneducated and literally dead as I am asking money from other people. I promise I'll earn more than I need and pay back. Penniless, gillyNOpenny

The Uncertainty

The uncertainty,

is here

here to stay

stay longer

longer than the usual

usual being boring

boring is my middle name now. 

The uncertainty, 

on love,

on future,

on myself,

on intention. 

It's out & about in my life now. 

The uncertainty, 

whom I shall seek comfort from? 

compadre? 

nearest & dearest? 

sweetheart? 

moonshine? 

stimulant? 

a roll in the hay? 

job?

melodies? 

Facebook? Twitter? 

Gitchi Manituo? Allah? Yahweh? 

which? 

The uncertainty, 

why does he have to make such a song and dance out of everything?

why am I singing and dancing about it? 

why do I cry thinking of the matter? 

why why why why why why? 

The uncertainty, 

it gaves me realisation,

affection 

courage

heart

confidence 

confidantes 

it's here to stay. 

The uncertainty,

unceremonious it'll be 

taint it'll gives

intact it'll makes me. 

and it ain't the same every time. 

xoxo

Mr. Uncertainty. 

What love suppose to be.

Someone says this to me before and I never really understand it. Now, I gained a clear picture of what's LOVE. 

"Love is willing to wait instead of demanding, "prove you care now!".

Love keeps on being friendly to people who aren't friendly back.

Love doesn't hate the girl/guy who goes out with the guy/girl you like.

Love doesn't brag about your good grades or the touchdown you made in Friday night's game.

Love isn't stuck up.

Love doesn't think you're better than others because your clothes are more expensive.

Love lets others have their turn talking. It never puts others down by acting like they don't count.

Love doesn't insist on getting all the credit or being one of the popular crowd.

Love doesn't hold on grudges. It doesn't keep thinking over and over again about how someone will hurt you. Love doesn't think doing wrong is cool.

Love looks out for the interests for others.

Love keeps on trusting God even when the right choices you make don't turn out the way you want.

Love doesn't give up just because something goes wrong or because your feelings are hurt."

What is your definition of it? 

Dreams.

I am a dreamer. Was. Still. & Always. 

I used to dream about being a doctor. Going to Australia. Being a singer. And fly like Wong Fei Hong. 

For me, dreams are defines as to fulfil my desires for my own happiness. 

Ahhh... What a feelin'. 

Today, March 7, 2012, that definition defines me as a SELFISH man! 

Why? 

Bcuz, even when I am dreamin', all I can think of is my happiness. MY OWN. 

Realising that this world is comprises of 6.999 billion of people, and if those numbers are made up of selfish people, 

we would have 6.999 billion of cars, 

6.999 billion of houses, 

6.999 billion of every single thing. 

Bcuz we want to have everything TO. OUR. OWN.

These couple of months after I finished my Bachelor Degree, my mind has been occupied with What's Next questions. Where would I be. What I wanna do. Who am I gonna be. 

Then I stumbled to one quote from Edgar Cayce saying, Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions. 

In order to answer my What's Next questions, I start to dream. 

Everyday, my dreams are getting bigger and wilder. At one point, I can't even contain my dreams bcuz I get too excited. I've lost it. Lost in my own dreams. 

Why? Bcuz I kept on dreaming FOR myself. Over and over again. 

Dreams is like this. 

They need to be achieve. Once you succeeded, do you find a new dream or didya stick with them and die with it? That is the actual question that we all need to figure out. 

So I look inside the vessel that holds my dreams and wishes. 

All I can find is myself. Only me. I say to myself, What is there when you only have dreams to yourself and no one to share with? What is happiness when you're alone? 

It is like dreaming to be in Antarctic by yourself for the rest of your life. Maybe some of you want that, but that is not dreaming, that is isolation. 

Having said that, it doesn't mean you have to give up your selfish dreams. All that we should do is ENHANCE those dreams to a different realm than it is not. 

Possibly, share them. 

I almost forgot why I wanna be a doctor when I was a kid. It is bcuz that the fact that my eldest sister passed away not due to Malaria but bcuz of the slow service of the doctors/nurses in my kampung's clinic. Listening to that sad story, as a kid, I promised to myself that I would be a successful MD whom actually save lives. Be the honest Dr. Be the people's Dr. Be the Dr that save someone's sister. 

I dream FOR people. 

Though now I can't be a doctor, I can educate future doctors. *wink* 

Teaching is my passion now. 

So, for me to become a great teacher, I should include myself, my students, my school into my dreams. These are the few ingredients for a better education. 

From now on, for whatever that I planned to do, and what I am destined to be, I would always dream for people. 

Dream on people 

xoxo

Sexism

My issue: 

When a woman is doing a man's job they are called a strong woman, an independent lady, and inspiring figure. However, when a man is doing woman's job, like cleaning, taking care of the children, or being a nurse, we say that they are feminine guy, sissy, weak, and the list goes on and on. 

My question: WHY? 

Why can't we accept equality among HUMAN, not man nor woman, HUMAN equality. 

Do you think it is easier to become a single dad than a single mom? 

Do you think a man is weak to cry from relationship breakup? 

Do you think it's wrong for a man to greet his wife from work? 

My argument: 

We always talks about women's power. Feminism. 

Yet, when a man is doing 'girly' stuff, we tease them for being such a p***y. Such a girl. Such a WEAK. 

And if you are a woman, you should be ashamed of yourself, because you think a girl is weak. 

That is like spitting up to the air.

And if you are a man, I hope no woman would fall for you. 

My example: 

When I was in secondary school, I always hated my PE class. I admit that I am kaki bangku (can't play football). But for my school, not knowing how to play it is somehow a disease. So, my PE teacher literally forced me to play and if I refuse, he'll cane. I explained to him my kaki bangku situation and asked for permission to play volleyball instead. His answer to me, oh wait for it, 'That's a girl's game.' 

The entire 60 minutes of the chasing ball games, I just stood there in the middle watching the ball being kicked. He never knew that I am good in volleyball, well at least WAY much better than football. 

Another example came from an event a few years back. A friendly conversation turns into an awkward silence and I'm sure a volcanic eruption anger in my inner universe, when someone close to me suggest that I should go to gym to 'build my character.' The rest is history. I rather go to hell if heaven accept people that don't accept me for who I am. My belief taught me how to LOVE. 

We set our world to a lot of laws and regulations, mostly are stupid. 

We darken our students with grades. 

We says only a man should be the head of the organisation. 

We believe an answer to sins is hell. 

We think skirts is for ladies and pants for men. 

Think about this, why we called a coward p***y and a bad man d**k? 

Yet again, we think we are free minded generation. 

Sexism isn't sexi. 

bla bla bla...

Undergrad grades.

I was in the bottom of my greatest valley of disappointment when I received my final semester's grades for Maths, which revealed that my very best is not enough to give me desirable grades. 

What more worse than after busting my butt out the entire semester, receiving insult after another, burning the midnight oil to prove something, until I worn myself out, it doesn't change the fact that I AM STILL SUCK in Maths. 

Way out of misery is what I seek for the entire week. If anyone or anything can give me a key to self-confidence once more, I would do anything to have it. However, nothing works.

At that time (and still at the moment), I am joing preparation class for IELTS. In addition to those 'You suck in Maths' moment, my grammar was so poor that I have to count on my 18-yo friend to teach me. 

I was at the wrong place in so many ways that very moment. 

My self-esteem was out of reach. 

My inner peace was at war. 

My physical and emotional energy was in debt. 

My happiness currency was at it lowest, going invaluable. 

Then, I use the power of friendship and respect to regain those lost feeling again. Not stumbling down to this, but I seek for comfort in my truest friend and teacher, Mr Reynoso. He said, 

'Let me tell you...nobody cares about college grades once you leave college!  So forget about them! If you tried your best that is all that matters.  Grades do NOT determine how successful you are going to be in life.  Good grades don't make you a good teacher.  Good grades don't make you a good person.  Good grades are only good for when you are in college...'

I jumped off my seat in realization that, 'F**k! What have I become?'

Those words and the fact that I notice very little to the fact that I only received 2/5 grades, this ain't the end! 

The REAL reality kicks in when officially, I can graduate (which was a struggle to get), I pass with honours, and now I am going for the IELTS with confidence creamed with 'There is nothing stopping you--expect for yourself'

Dear friends, your struggle was mine before, and still is.

 However, if you stop now, you won't be getting your real desirable result, which is waiting for you in the future. 

It’s hard. Yes. 

But to get the sharpest samurai blade is when they are knock and burned for so many times in long hours. 

After that, you'll be as clear as the blade's surface and you'll cut all the obstacles in front of you. 

Thank you struggles. Thank you teacher. Thank you life.  

Thank YOU, now I finally found my piece of mind once more. 

xoxo

The struggling dreamer. 

12 for '12.

Feliz Año Nuevo

There are just so many things that I wanna do in this lifetime. I dunno if I ever get the chance to fulfil it all, but to even think and dream about it has been the journey for me. 

As a new year came to our senses, we always so excited to start anew with everything, the 'resolutions' shits and stuff. 

For that, we pledge our time in that particular year to do things that we wanna. 

Why? So many reasons that one can give but if that makes you happy, go for it. 

However, I always falls into the same pattern every year. 

I. Can't. Keep. My. Own. Resolution. 

I realize now that those resolutions is sometimes almost impossible to fulfil and the reality is even better than my dreams. 

When you wanna dream, dream BIG! 

Also, I always 'foresee' things in that year and constrained my dreams to the things that I will get for sure, not the thing that push me to do better. 

Reducing the loss value I say. 

So, when you know you will get your Bachelor Degree that year, you don't put 'Get a degree' in your list, bcuz it's not a to-do list, its waiting list. 

Fools! *reminder for myself* 

That is why this year, I'mma do it differently. I called it 'to-do list'. 

It's like buying groceries. You look in your kitchen and look for what sorta things you need to get and write it down. Then you go and buy it based on your list. 

That shop might not have the spices you wanna for your rendang, so you improvise. 

Or they might not have anything you want, you improvise. 

Same goes for this to-do list. I won't kill myself if I don't get to achieve it until 31st Dec. 

I'll improvise, better and/or differently. 

The other thing, with this to-do list, it gives me some kinda purpose in life to achieve and see where I am are standing with my own dreams. It's 2012 now. Starts living. 

So, here it is. *in no particular order of urgency*

1. Get a driving license 
2. Bring my parent to peninsular M'sia
3. Get healthy (good body shape, good skin, good hairs, shining white teeth, no fast foods, salad every week) 
4. Do bungee jump in Wellington Bridge, NZ
5. Design and produce 100 GREAT custom T-Shirt
6. Sit for IELTS 
7. See at least ONE The World Wonder (The Great Wall of China and/or Pyramid of Egypt) 
8. Post a YouTube video (1st Video: Jan 25)
9. Malaysian trip
10. Read at least one good book every month
11. Learn Spanish
12. Get a tattoo. 

What's yours?

(And when I finally did it, I'll color it red.)

xoxo,

breamerdoy

Kita.

KAMU,

Aku kenal hanya seketika, tapi

Aku hampir mengerti hidup kamu, bukan

Aku menghakimi, tapi 

Aku cuba memahami. 

MEREKA, 

Salah faham, 

Tidak memahami,

hanya memberi lebam,

dan melupai. 

AKU, 

Hanya mencuba, 

memahami 

mengerti 

mengasihi 

dan mengingati. 

Namun, cukupkah apa aku perbuat? 

Untuk membantu kamu? 

Persoalannya, 

Mengapa kamu diperlakukan sedemikan rupa? 

Apa alasan mereka melakukannya? 

Bagaimana harus aku memperbaiki hubungan ini? 

Hubungan KITA. 

Pelajar + Guru = Kita. 

Kata-kata sahaja takkan mampu memperbaiki.

Cuma perbuatan semata. 

Hakikinya, dimana bermula? 

Siapa memulai? 

Kemana arah? 

Peta arah ini berbunyi seperti, 

 Titik permulaan = kamu, 

Pemulai = mereka,

Penyambung = aku.

Keinginan aku hanya ingin memberi pengalaman ku. 

Memberi kamu kesenangan semasa dan selepas kamu menuntut ilmu. 

To be continued...

xoxo

Cikgu Gill 

P/S: Cikgu tak berapa nak pandai mengarang dalam BM. SPM cikgu dapat 3B jer pun. 

Ex-zam!!

When I'm done, I used to think whether I survive the semester.

Now, when I'm done, I'm thinking whether I'm getting an A or not.

That's when you know that youre officially mature as a student.

Life is full of changes. An changes is the only constant in life.

Xoxo

Friendship

F- fret not. They'll always gonna letya down
R-run w. your bank account when they say HI
I- I, I and only I.
E-end so easily
N-not so hard to keep, cuz they'll
D-dump you when they're busy

And the rest is SHIT!

That's friendSHIT.

When the world turns it back on them, I as friend do this:

F-fret not, I'm here.
R-run w. you in this race
I-I's (eyes) on you
E-ends when it's perfect.
N-not so easy to find
D-dem friend.

And the rest is awesomeness.

That's friendsomeness to me.

Friend, I don't and never give up on you. Just that I need you in this race cuz I can't do it myself w/o you.

Xoxo
G