A Letter to a FRIEND.

dear friend,

sorry for the cheesy card. :P

just wanna say thank you for all you've done for me this whole time we've met.
from that first night in the dance floor, till tonight here in the restaurant.

believe it or not, you've taught me a lot all this time.
from being patient with friendship,
being fun,
being thoughtful in relationship (as I learned a lot from yours).

In the beginning, I almost gave up on you and your friendship,
since your life is so busy and so occupied with many things, I decided to wrote you a letter -that you never read about -
how I felt about being second graded in your life.
luckily I didn't cuz if I did, I won't get this opportunity to learn and to know you, fun man!

thanks for the great beach time, for whatever we did there.
thanks for shoving Pavilion on to my face, for whatever we bought there,
thanks for the great food time, either in Cherating or here in KL,
thanks for the great fun time, wherever we went.

sorry for the dramas that I throw to you, cuz you don't deserve it,
and sorry that you have to leave this city, a home to your heart, a memory to your soul, a love to your life.

all the little things that we did together, thats what I'm gonna miss a lot, A LOT.
I'll surely gonna miss you so much.
as I already am.

as you always said, you never know the future,
it might leads you here, again,
or leads me there.

you deserve to serve yourself.
and be happy, cuz that's what makes you YOU, the friend that we love so much.
never let ANYONE, anything to take that away.

thanks for the friendship, thanks for everything.

silly gilly.

What have we become??

They want us to go to school
And to turn the pages of books…
Why learn the language of books
When the forest speaks to you?

One cannot eat books,
And pens and pencils are poor weapons
To kill the deer of the mountains
And the grunting boar…

Gilbert Perez in The Leader.

Our education system of today;
We neglected our root and
follow the less outdated and paganistic way of teaching and learning.

We feed on the stress and the mind pollution,

the idiotic in us is like an X-linked genes that we carry from one generation to another,

How far has we improved since the voyage of Marco Polo, the E=mc2, the gravity,

Did we get more civilized compared to our forefathers??
You said they lived in the jungle and with no Facebook,
Where you living?
A jungle of concrete with even more lack of connection no matter how many social networks you registered to.

You said they don't wear Gucci and Prada.
What the use of wearing 'em when you wears as less as them today,
and when the pattern are from the natures that they are wearing directly?

You said they don't have Blackberry and Apple.
Before, it just a healthy fruits that didn't give you Carpal Tunnel.

You said they are pagan.
they are closer to the spiritual vibes WAY more than the 'holiest' religions today.
far from unnecessarily distraction.

Can the pen and pencils save our Earth??
Can the computers reset to the 'manufactures' settings??
Can you find a book that teaches you how to being a human??

g

background of this entry.
Yesterday was the day where I think deep about what I've become since I am here in this city. Looking around from the double-decker bus on my way home, gives me perfect vision of this city.
The drain,
the road-side,
the railway,
the road,
the cars,
malls,
the people
and ME.

We all are effed up in the same way.

Our education systems didn't focus on raising a human being.
It didn't gives way for you to be a better person. It gives you a piece of shit that you are forced to swallow.

We all didn't look back at yesterday.
We all sick of today.
We all scared of tomorrows.

this is not a journal life complaining,
but more on the realization of what life we are leading to.
I know I can't change the world generally.
However, I can change my little own world.

Now I wish my forefathers stays in the jungle,
feed the jungle and let it feeds them.
Live a simple life and have a greater happiness.

xoxo.

I never told you, You never know.

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm alone with me

I miss your blue eyes.

xoxo

about gilly.

When were you happiest?
- I get happy very easy and it’s not hard to make me happy. I am happy most of the time, I think. :P

What is your greatest fear?
- Being alone and not being able to start my own life

What is your earliest memory?
- Playing with my brother and sisters

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
- My parent, cliché I know. But they gave me more than they have.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
- Stubbornness and laziness

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
- Make promises but can’t keep it.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
- I get embarrass easily, so a lot.

Aside from a property, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
- My E72! When I hand in the cash, my heart felt like being slashed by a knife.

What is your most treasured possession?
- So far, memories. If I happen to be amnesia, I have nothing.

Where would you like to live?
- UK or Australia. Maybe USA.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
- No idea.

What would your super power be?
- Flying.

What makes you unhappy?
- Broken promises and when my mom is unhappy.

What is your most unappealing habit?
- I smell the cotton buds after I clean my ears!! Disturbing!!

What is your favorite book?
- Lots! But I think what I love the most is Cecilia Ahern’s PS I Love You. One of the earliest books I read. It became sorta prayer book every night before I go to sleep. And when I wanna cry, I just read the highlighted ‘verses’ and it just melt me. Girly book, I know, but I don’t care!

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
- Cinderella dress!! With the glass stiletto!! :P

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
- Spending money that I don’t own much.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
- To the people that I said ‘te amo’ but I don’t mean it, at all. I just wanna play around.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
- Not applicable for this audience.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
- ‘OMG!’, ‘Shit!’, ‘Sial!!!!’

What has been your biggest disappointment?
- For not nailing my MUET and get at least Band 4 for it and not studying TESL for degree.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
- Study really hard in my English and edit my biggest disappointment.

When did you last cry?
- Few days ago.

How often do you have sex?
- Not applicable for this audience.

What is the closest you've come to death?
- I dunno. Can’t recall.

Tell us a secret.
- I have lots of secrets and it's related to each others. So, if I tell one, it'll lead to another secret telling.

xoxo

my existence.

When I look around the space I am occupying,
with the people around me,
with the constant frown, sadness, noises, fake
I somehow lost in this jungle of reality that I created myself,
and sick of it!

At a point,
I want to start it all over again, fresh,
do it better.

At a point,
I think to myself that I have no values at all in this dream of my childhood.

Feels like I am just a projection from someone who is dreaming,
useless,
and just being one of the actor in someone else's movie.

At this point,
I was thinking about;
what if I die this very minute??
would my friend cry??
would my family be disappointed??
would that someone know that all my love goes to him??
would I die happy??
would all the people that I cared gonna think of me in 14 days after this very minute?

What values that I have to this people??

I dunno.

the noises around me makes me deaf.
the silence that surrounds me makes me nervous,
blocking me from listening to my own heart beats.

I want some assurances, and re-assurances in my life.

one20 secs with....Ian.

Ian Robert Knight.
he is;
Gift from God.
Famed; bright; shining
Noble / Soldier.
'nuff said.

This entry where I pay tribute to Mr Knight, the best photographer I've ever met. He looks like a very readable Homo Sapiens, but there are many things I haven't discover about him. So, I sent him a questionnaire and ask him to answer it. Now, I know him better than I used to.
Here it goes;

When were you happiest?
Umm… I’d have to say it’s often. I am happiest when I am traveling.
Particularly, if it’s a new place that I’ve never been to before.

What is your greatest fear?
Failure.

What is your earliest memory?
I have memories of playing with my siblings, when I was about 3 or 4 years old.
I remember we had a basement apartment in Edmonton, Canada.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Hard to say, but I admire many photographers.
If it were a non-living person, that’d be my Father.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Laziness. Some days, I can think back and wonder what I did all day.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Disregard for time. I hate when others are late.
If you say 1 pm, be there at 1 pm, not 1:20 or 1:45.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Honestly, I can’t really think of any.
I don’t embarrass easily.

Aside from a property, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
Cars, mostly. I’ve had a few.

What is your most treasured possession?
My camera, and the photos I’ve created with it.

Where would you like to live?
Tough call. SE Asia or China.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
No idea. An extinct dog?

What would your super power be?
Sight. Permanent, strong, and far-reaching.

What makes you unhappy?
When people lie to me, and it affects decisions I’ve made, because I assume they told me the truth.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Gluttony. I get fat easily, because I eat poorly.

What is your favourite book?
I don’t read too often.
Blink by Malcolm Gladwell changed my life, though.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
Something from medieval times, like a royal costume.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Alcohol, I guess.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
My ex-wife, for wasting her time by marrying her.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Ask me before I die. Maybe it is still to come.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“Gosh”, “mmm…pork”, “venti Americano”, “you’re over 18, right?”

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Not being well known for my work.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I would go to University and study Business and Photography

When did you last cry?
Can’t recall, it’s been a while.

How often do you have sex?
Umm….not much. A few times per week, I guess.

What is the closest you've come to death?
I can’t think of anything. I’ve led a pretty lucky + safe life.

Tell us a secret.
I was born a poor black child.

If you wanna ask more questions, please feel free to.
I'll be happy to forward your questions to Mr Knight.

xoxo

The Prayer

Today (July 1st, '10), I went to the Chaiya Mangkalaram Buddisht Temple in Pulau Tikus, Penang. My intention of going there is to wake up the Sleeping Buddha. But hey, I found this awesome wheel of fortune that you insert your 50 cents coin and press the button to stop the neon light at the number that gonna decide your fortune, I guess. I tried it. I get Chiam See #8. (excited since 8 is good #) And here what it says;

Your present position is like a valuable treasure buried under the ground. You dig the ground in the hope of getting it, but you dig the wrong place, and you are unable to find it. Similarly, even if you work hard at the present time, you may not get much benefit by doing so because your present career is unsuitable. In rowing it against the current of water and wind, the boat will naturally not go fast. Do not get discouraged. In future, there will be some people to support and help you. A sick person in your family will recover soon. In case of persecution you have a few hopes to win the case and probably you may be found guilty. Your next baby will be a boy. Your luck in other things is not good.

My first impression was; WHA...?!
I thought 8 was a good number.
Well, its obviously something that I can't celebrate nor argue about since I chose to spin the wheel of fortune. You don't decide on what you wanna hear but what you suppose to hear!

However, it made me think.
"Is this the way religion tries to hold on us and make us pray to the goddess for fortune, luck, love, and many blessings that WE hope to possess??"
Until we would simply give our time, efforts, energy, etc to the goddess??

not that I don't believe in the power of prayer.
I was born in a Christian family and being brought up in its way.
One time in my life, I almost knock on Bible school door to enroll myself to be a priest, all thanks to my late Rev. Dais. (Just incase you think I'm a back slide Christian that write what is right but not what I do for real)
But the power of prayer brought me here where the power wanted me to do greater things in life.

I dunno whats the point of this entry, but I long to write something about my late Rev Dais, prayer and religions.
I guess this is the combination of all.

A dear friend of mine used his time while driving alone to have one-on-one talk to the god. (he's not a religious guy)
Another friend used to pray The Serenity Prayer. (he never been to church nor wanted to) and before he went to sleep, he'll reflect the 10 things of the day (most temple/church goers don't do that)
My mom is very particular with prayer before eating. (be grateful that we can eat)
My English friend, believe that prayer at the end of day can make you recall, refelct and re-evaluate what had happen today (is it good? bad?)
My ex-leader forced me to pray (ain't working)

We all pray, in a different ways.
To who? To the One.

xoxo
Gill Loong.

the untold story of a sister.

When we talk about the person that we love, we can easily list down hundreds even thousands of things that we like and remember about them.
All the memories, presents, movies, places, dates etc that you gone thru with that particular person are all remembered and carved eternally in your conscious and unconscious mind.
Repeated over and over again in your day dreaming and in your dreams when you're asleep.
For the person that can still hold their love one close to them, they keep on working on building more dreams together.
For those who lose their love one, the memories of yesterday is the only key to unlock the treasure of love with them.
And they would do anything to hold on to that memory and never let go, even they've gone, somewhere reachable or unreachable.

You must be thinking I'm all emo'ed up about teenage love.
No. I am talking about my love towards my brother and sisters.

They were my first best friend.
Being the baby and being three years younger from my sisters, they are the one who took care of me when my parent are away.
So, mostly we do literally everything together.

But today, I'mma write about my eldest sister.

I love her so much.
More than I know and more than anyone could imagine.
However, someone loves her more than I do and needed her more than anyone did.
The angels took my sister up, up and away, to a place where there is no goodbye nor cries.
Leaving us down here wishing upon the stars to retain the memories and trying hard to not lose every lines of her face, every look, every touch, everything.

If she's still around today, I would capture every angle of her with my camera and frame it against the wall.
But sadly, she's gone and all that we've owned is a few old pictures of her.

These, kept us reminded of our beloved sister who once here in our life.

I was very small when they brought back my sister's idled body yet with peaceful face home. I still remember the brownish color hospital car approaching and leaving our little house and leaving her in the middle of the living room.
Next thing I know, the house was filled with weeps and sorrows.

At times of hardship, in the early marriage of my parent, she was the one who's always there with my mom.
When people hated them,
mocking them,
treated them as second graded human being,
when my dad was still young and wild,
when everything was at it worse,
she was there.

These things makes it harder for Mak to say goodbye.

Even until today as you're reading this entry, tears stream down her face when the thought of her came to Mak's mind.

My greatest regret is that I don't remember much about her.
They told that I was her favorite brother,
they told me she loved me so much that she would do anything for me,
they said she would love more than anyone would, if she's here now.

Four events that I remembered about her,

1)

When I made Mak so furious for smashing her glass door cabinet and she forced me to eat all the glasses that I smashed, out of cries, my sister begged Mak not to harm me. She hug me when it's all over and she help to clean the place.
She was there for me.

2)

My sister's friend asked us to take a picture together. Blue shirt against a blue Land Rover truck, smiled just-woke-up-from-afternoon-nap face, as what I remembered. Though the

photo was 'burned', but the moment captured on my mind forever. It was a special ordinary day.

3)

White sheet cotton covering her body. Cotton wool stuffed in her nose and ears. She look so peaceful that day but her peacefulness bring tears to the whole world.
I was sitting on Pak's lap, innocent, blurr, and seems not to understand what is happening. Did I cried? I dunno. I can't recall. Do I want to remind myself that day? No.

4)

Last but not least, and its very funny (at least for me). As I said earlier, my siblings are the one who took care of me and we do everything together. One day, when Pak & Mak was away, 4 of us sit in a circle with gasoline lamp in the middle and Pak's ciggies case. We all puffed the ciggs and promised that we will never tell anyone what happened. And you know what, I told my dad!! All four of us get punishment from my beloved Mak. They promised to themselves that they would never bring me playing again.

These are the only four moment of her that being repeat, peat peat peat over and over again. It only take a few minutes to do so though I wish that I remember more about her.
Despite these short memories, I still cherish it as it gives me a sense of love from a person that I used to know and hope to know more.

I love you sis.
I'll drive to the hill to see you when I get home.

xoxo to you,
Your favorite G.

A day at Cheezy Place.

He wasn't there when I arrived.
Kinda expected it. He's there on a certain days only.
Argh, don't bother about it.
Just asked them to pick any of the boys for me, I'll be fine.
I just sit there and waiting nervously.
A lady came towards me. I understand that gesture when she show me a bottle of shampoo. I said, 'Yes, please.'
She pours the contain on to my head and start to do what she best at.
She'll go down to my neck, I close my eyes and she asked, 'Is it OK?'
and I replied her, 'Absolutely yes!'
Then, she continue. It feels so good.
I would come again if she do it well.
After she done, she wash me while she was talking about what she best in.
I just ah, um, yes, uh huh, oh, and a whole lot of sounds in the process.
Then, she would sit me somewhere in the corner and said, 'Please wait a moment. He'll come and entertain you.' while she pointing to the guy next to me doing someone else. We just smile when our eyes met.
My nervous system works pretty fine until I saw how he deal with his customer.
I said to myself, 'he looks not so experience in this'.
and I murmured alone like a crazy guy in the staircase of China Town worrying about him.
As was the lady promised, a moment here in Malaysia is at least 20 mins. So, that's what I get. I'm not in a rush anyway since I came here just for this, nothing else.

After he done with his other customer, he approach me and said, 'Can I get 5 mins from you, need to breath a lil'. You know.' I just nodding my head agreeing.
5 mins later: he said HI to me and we talk how I wanna it to be done.
Blah blah blah...
Ask him whether he can deliver or not. He nodded and my life is in his hand now.
When he started it from the side, my eyes just pop out literally and my heart beat faster than when I did 100 meters sprint.
He never deal with me before since his colleague is my favorite, but he's not around, and that's why I nervous so much.
I can feel my palm sweat in spite of the cold of the place.
Then he finally realize that I look nervous.
'Don't worry' he said. 'I went to school for this together with your favorite guy'. Winking at me and continue with what he do best.
After he done with the left side, he moved to the right one. Same.
I kept quite while this process is really taking place.
he said again, 'don't worry, it's not done yet. You'll love it when its done. Believe me.'
Up and down, he dealt with my head. Looking at it, I feel satisfied.

'OK done.' I was surprise.
And I complain with a tone of unsatisfactory.
he take his gadget, dealing with my unsatisfactory.

He rushed to the back and take out his wax.
Never seen anything like it before.
He rub the wax onto his palm and start applying it to me.
Smells good.
Mirror out when he's done and he asked me to stand.
'Excited to see the back?' he asked.
I replied with uncertainty, 'I guess so.'
and then, I surprise cuz overall, he did impress me.

25, he said.
Pay and walk away after thanking him.
Before I go, I said, 'I'll come again for you.'

I love the place which they named 'Cheez?', the price, the workers, and their hospitality.
I'mma come again, for sure.

xoxo

Biggest Fee-R.

This few weeks, I've been facing my biggest fear: being alone.

The girls always being around me for most of the times, whenever I need them, they always around and vice versa. In my ordinary days, me and the girls, for almost 2 years went to dinner together, every single night. It's like the routine for me. Some people hates routine, but this routine is what I always looking forward to, everyday. I love it bcuz after a long day of school and busy-ness of life, these faces is always there and they are my human contact that I needed after all that. It doesn't have to be animated for all the time with jokes or stories, but their presence is what I needed, and that's enuff. Before April this year, I constantly thinking how am I going to survive my days in my final year without them. that bother me so much, more than you and I can think of.

To be honest, Gilly is no secret keeper. Across my room which is only a step away to the girls' room, I would dramatically scream my lungs out excitedly, run down the pale grayish door in front of me, and said, 'OMG!! I got to tell you this!! I can't keep it for another second. If I do, I'll die tragically!'
And the girls would pause (sometime not even listening, I know!), and I, as always the drama queen, tell them with enthusiastically my stories.
This is one of the small thing that I miss and somehow can't live without (but I'm sure they are happily live without it. but I know, deep down, they miss my drama!)

One secret that I never tell anyone (other than the girls, of course) that somehow embarrass me and might trigger your laugh nerve (the girls' triggered and they would tease me about it). In my fresh year in uni, for almost a semester (3-4 months), my life just revolves around my room, my RC, my faculty and around campus. Never I step out of the campus or even near to the main gate.
Maybe I was scared of being alone in this big old city.
I wanted to go home badly.
My result was bad.
My emotional level was unbelievable high,
I would cry in my room thinking that I would just choose UMS which is close to home and I'm sure I can find friends from Matrix abundantly.
but, actually, it was my own fault. I chosen nothing in the Borneo for my Uni choices.
Excuses: wanted to see the world. Don't want to born, raise, study, die, in Sabah.

'Dependent lil Gilly', that's what my Sifu said.
Not anymore, Sifu. Though it's not completely yet.
I can tell you that I learn to embrace the ME time, time where I would just hit the park and lie on the green grass together with my favorite book with my iPod for hours, ALONE.
I can tell you that I can survive the house that once filled with laughter and screaming, with just me sitting/lying on the floor with my iPod 'till I fall asleep in my own arm.

I once said to the girls, 'I should learn from you how to deal with being alone'. These girls are just so good in enjoying their time alone in the mall or to movies. For me, I would rather starve to death than eating out alone. Other than Hannah Montana: The Movie, I never watch movie in theater alone. (LOL) Before that, I pursued Joshua to come with me and even pay for the ticket, but he just hate Miley Virus, he would comment. But, Miley is just rare case.

Now, I would stroll the mall (tho I hate it), even go to down town alone. My day is ordinary but I don't stressed or being pressured in being alone. It's different. being alone before and now.

Just like what Micho said, 'A new door will open for you.'

INDEPENDENT me is in the making, bit by bit.

xoxo

When I finally get home.

I'm gonna wrap my arms around my Daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him

And tell him all about the man that I became
And hope that it pleased him

There's so much I want to say
There's so much I want him to know

So amazed at what I've seen so much more
Than this old mind can hold

And the sweetest sound my ears have yet to hear
The voices of the angel, my Queeny.

When I finally home,
but for now, no.

xoxo

teddy

found teddy
on the road side,
obviously not mine,
teddy left there,
cold
dirty
alone

Brought teddy back
warm teddy
clean teddy

Guess what
I like teddy
I wanna own teddy

But...
teddy
can't be mine
is somebody's

Why
owner didn't look after teddy well
left teddy all alone
at the road side
cold
dirty

If I
return teddy = I'll be missing teddy so much
keep teddy = I'll feel guilty
tell teddy to go way = ??

Stupid
me
teddy
owner

I should
not walk the path that nite
know, karma is a bitch
go slow

teddy
kind
fun
enjoyable
attached

teddy xoxo

ma'ladies.

It was bizarre,
the girls were talking,
some were singing,
I was shouting,
and some forced someone to take shower first.

"why ya'll care so much about me showering??!!"

She shouted at me and left the room and shower!
caught guilty
but she never did that before.

5 mins later,
she finished her shower.
Stand before me and whisper, "I'm sorry".
She: never does that to me,
didn't mean it,
feels weird,
cry.

We cried together like,
we dinnering together
we jogging together
we go nite-marketing together

I'mma miss the fight.
the dinner,
the cooking,
I'mma miss you.

She moved out.
You fly back for good,
I stay here for one more year.

Separated.
due to unavoidable reasons; fights, mizunderstanding, graduation, and study.

youtwo is the best thing that happens to me the entire 3 years.

This year,
lots of my loved one left me.
some fly down,
some went up,
some go back,
some move out.

Left: me.

Ian said, I am dependent boy. (agreed)

scared I will:
not eat right
didn't go out
have lotsa secrets,
get depressed,
uglified,
be lonely. (the scariest part)

Do it how Hilton's do:
show to find my new BFF. (I wish that easy)

I'm sure:
I'll survive,
have new frenz,
and everything I need and deserve.

But,
ya'll still with me.
I'll miss ya'll.

love,
Capt. Gilligan

Prayer For A Friend.

Lord,
I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.

I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view.

Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You.
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

There's a way that seems so right to him.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strings.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.

b'zee

Adulthood comes with responsibilities which in the form of busy-ness.
Ian would said it as the joy of being adult.
I must agree with him...

It just keeps me on going,
keeps me on the track where I must focus on my studies, writing, presentation,
keeps me less thinking about un-appropriate thoughts (doesn't matter how you interpret it ;))
keeps me good, I guess. ;)
means no late night outing, productive dawn as I will finished my works before the morning come instead of online pointlessly, sleepy day time due to burning the midnite oil, and zombie after lunch time.

But sometime I am terrified how I love being busy.
Maybe I am just being selfish cuz I got a lot of things on my mind.
the only thing I do now is work and sleep.
both would make me less thinking about how hurt it is.

Some pea'ple interpret my busy-ness as 'sorry, I don't want to hang out with you.'
oh well, pea'ple gonna think what they gonna think.
I have no power over these things.

and...
I can be not busy, I can delay my works for sure,
but I want to finish it now and play after that until I vomit!
means I'll be free soul after this week, I hope so.

Gotta get back to my busy schedule, I am busy, remember?

xoxo

If isn't LOVE, then what it is?

It's a beautiful day.

From my blue bed in the living room of VI-VII-III,
Morning starts with message from Down Under from an Angel above.
This Angel is like the gravity that whenever I'm ready to leave,
it always pulling me back,
No matter how high I jump, escaping it, it pulls me back to the good ground,
Holding me close with those big warmth arms.
You dunno where this gonna lead, neither do I,
but for sure Im'ma hold you close to my heart, forever.
I love you.

From TWU to SDK,
They traveled to seek for love,
to bring two hearts together,
though the ceremony might be different than what we used to back home,
though it's what he can't afford,
though he missed his best man,
his lil bro,
the big day is ON.

Am I sad, yes.
Am I mad, No

It sounds unreal when you get more love from someone whom you know 2 years back instead from the one that grows up with you.
twenty-2 years VS 2 years.
For now, 2 years won.

I love my brother with all my heart regardless what he done to me, to us,
today is your big day,
I am happy for you, really,
be a good hubby to her,
be a good father to your kid(s),
be a better son to them, brother to us.

I Need A New Bottle!

last night, he is not being himself.
being someone else that want to be accepted.
guess what?
the more he tried, the more he git rejection
he makes fool of himself and
I feel sorry for his pathetic-ness.

He don't see it coming, He don't.
I say, 'it rather your stupidity to not to see it
blindfolded yourself,
'I closed my eyes, then I don't see lo' '

He;
danced
sings
drink
just like what 'required'

but I guess he never gonna being noticed like the rest.
except; one-the fun and just broke up fat boy
two-rival?
grabbed the girls hands, kiss goodbye to the rest,
still, not being noticed we're leaving.
on the way back,
he started to winding around with the questions that made the girls and the taxi mate annoyed;
is it bcuz of my pimples?
or my hair? should i git it cut?
is it my not-Louboutin-shoes?
am i that ugly?
while the tears of self sympathy covering his eyes
and the cigarette smells all over his hairs, and hers
and that fat boy smells

'emoshunal?' I asked. He said 'Nah...'

I told him, 'Git a new bottle, bitch!!!'
It came with the SAME
shape,
taste,
brand, and
%tage of alcohol.

and, it might be better.

What hurt the most

What hurt the most, is being so close and having so much to say, yet seeing you walked away.
Never knowing what could've been and not seeing loving you is what I was trying to do.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go,
It's hard to force that smile when I see my 'what could've been with you' happened to him,
It's hard to say OK when I am not,
It's hard to talk about it 'cuz it'll cost me tears.

I would trade give away the good bye with anything in my life.
But here comes the goodbye, here comes the pain, here comes me wishing things had never changed and you was right here in my arms tonight...

Why does it have to go from good to gone?

BUT,
I prayed to the good Lord, you both have a blast in your days, no matter whats gonna happen to us, the He'll lead the way.
before the lights on, I'm gonna be fine knowing that you'd chose the best.

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road, but I guess no forgiveness given 'cuz there is nothing to forgive.

NOW,
There comes a time in my life, when all I can see is the years passing by,but lemme make up my mind that those days are gone.

I'll move on but most importantly I'll move forward.

your pickle,
g

Bonne année!

It's OVER! 2009 gonna be a year to remember in my life.
But 2010, it's gonna be the year that level up my life and striving the best that I ever achieve.

Let's rewind back what had happened in my life last year;

It starts with a new year resolution that somehow did shape my future in last year.
I thought it just a crazy dreams that I want to achieve.
But, hey, there is no harm in asking!
Thank God even crazy dreams come true!
End up in three beautiful places that somehow my childhood dream-place-to-visit (UK), feels darn good!!
These dreams of mine changes me a lot, for the better me, of course.

Talking about changing, I've known many of people around me going thru' some big changes in their life.
Struggle, tryin', lookin', believing that there's something more beyond the hill.
Some of them moved to get a new job, other moved from relationship, and some other tryin' to know themselves even more, while some other said that, they can't even imagine that they could love again!
It need a whole lot of guts to do some changes in life, unable to foresee whether they gonna be hire, whether the relationship is better than the previous one, whether the person is the right one for them, or how they gonna manage the new love they'd found?

Some says; changes is the only thing that is constant in our life, and yes!
I kept on changing in 2009. I struggled to find the right path to excel in my study, life, dreams, and my future. Did I find it complete yet? NO.
But the year totally teaching me so many thing; love, failures, friendship, companionship, belief in my dreams, and the most important thing is stay on the ground.
Sometime I treated my life like a fairytale, like Romeo & Juliet's love story kinda.
And it kills me most of the times. Well, at least I live and learned from it.

2010; gonna be blast! I just know it.

I wish myself the best of all the possibilities in the world and beyond, and to ya'll too.
Gill now know that crazy dreams can come true too as long as stay on the solid ground!

xoxo