Biggest Fee-R.

This few weeks, I've been facing my biggest fear: being alone.

The girls always being around me for most of the times, whenever I need them, they always around and vice versa. In my ordinary days, me and the girls, for almost 2 years went to dinner together, every single night. It's like the routine for me. Some people hates routine, but this routine is what I always looking forward to, everyday. I love it bcuz after a long day of school and busy-ness of life, these faces is always there and they are my human contact that I needed after all that. It doesn't have to be animated for all the time with jokes or stories, but their presence is what I needed, and that's enuff. Before April this year, I constantly thinking how am I going to survive my days in my final year without them. that bother me so much, more than you and I can think of.

To be honest, Gilly is no secret keeper. Across my room which is only a step away to the girls' room, I would dramatically scream my lungs out excitedly, run down the pale grayish door in front of me, and said, 'OMG!! I got to tell you this!! I can't keep it for another second. If I do, I'll die tragically!'
And the girls would pause (sometime not even listening, I know!), and I, as always the drama queen, tell them with enthusiastically my stories.
This is one of the small thing that I miss and somehow can't live without (but I'm sure they are happily live without it. but I know, deep down, they miss my drama!)

One secret that I never tell anyone (other than the girls, of course) that somehow embarrass me and might trigger your laugh nerve (the girls' triggered and they would tease me about it). In my fresh year in uni, for almost a semester (3-4 months), my life just revolves around my room, my RC, my faculty and around campus. Never I step out of the campus or even near to the main gate.
Maybe I was scared of being alone in this big old city.
I wanted to go home badly.
My result was bad.
My emotional level was unbelievable high,
I would cry in my room thinking that I would just choose UMS which is close to home and I'm sure I can find friends from Matrix abundantly.
but, actually, it was my own fault. I chosen nothing in the Borneo for my Uni choices.
Excuses: wanted to see the world. Don't want to born, raise, study, die, in Sabah.

'Dependent lil Gilly', that's what my Sifu said.
Not anymore, Sifu. Though it's not completely yet.
I can tell you that I learn to embrace the ME time, time where I would just hit the park and lie on the green grass together with my favorite book with my iPod for hours, ALONE.
I can tell you that I can survive the house that once filled with laughter and screaming, with just me sitting/lying on the floor with my iPod 'till I fall asleep in my own arm.

I once said to the girls, 'I should learn from you how to deal with being alone'. These girls are just so good in enjoying their time alone in the mall or to movies. For me, I would rather starve to death than eating out alone. Other than Hannah Montana: The Movie, I never watch movie in theater alone. (LOL) Before that, I pursued Joshua to come with me and even pay for the ticket, but he just hate Miley Virus, he would comment. But, Miley is just rare case.

Now, I would stroll the mall (tho I hate it), even go to down town alone. My day is ordinary but I don't stressed or being pressured in being alone. It's different. being alone before and now.

Just like what Micho said, 'A new door will open for you.'

INDEPENDENT me is in the making, bit by bit.

xoxo