Minta Duit Ari Orang (Asking Money From Others)

Anak aku, anang idup minta duit ari orang, manah agi mati ari ti idup baka nya. Enti pemakai nuan diberi orang bukai, nuan empai idup meruan. Nuan ngemalu diri empu enti pemakai nuan bepanggai ba orang. Orang ke pintar sereta bepelajar enggai ngereja utai baka nya. Orang ke enda nemu malu rindu minta duit ari orang, taja enda nyamai dalam ati. (Sirakh 40:28-30 TDIR) For now, I am uneducated and literally dead as I am asking money from other people. I promise I'll earn more than I need and pay back. Penniless, gillyNOpenny

The Uncertainty

The uncertainty,

is here

here to stay

stay longer

longer than the usual

usual being boring

boring is my middle name now. 

The uncertainty, 

on love,

on future,

on myself,

on intention. 

It's out & about in my life now. 

The uncertainty, 

whom I shall seek comfort from? 

compadre? 

nearest & dearest? 

sweetheart? 

moonshine? 

stimulant? 

a roll in the hay? 

job?

melodies? 

Facebook? Twitter? 

Gitchi Manituo? Allah? Yahweh? 

which? 

The uncertainty, 

why does he have to make such a song and dance out of everything?

why am I singing and dancing about it? 

why do I cry thinking of the matter? 

why why why why why why? 

The uncertainty, 

it gaves me realisation,

affection 

courage

heart

confidence 

confidantes 

it's here to stay. 

The uncertainty,

unceremonious it'll be 

taint it'll gives

intact it'll makes me. 

and it ain't the same every time. 

xoxo

Mr. Uncertainty. 

What love suppose to be.

Someone says this to me before and I never really understand it. Now, I gained a clear picture of what's LOVE. 

"Love is willing to wait instead of demanding, "prove you care now!".

Love keeps on being friendly to people who aren't friendly back.

Love doesn't hate the girl/guy who goes out with the guy/girl you like.

Love doesn't brag about your good grades or the touchdown you made in Friday night's game.

Love isn't stuck up.

Love doesn't think you're better than others because your clothes are more expensive.

Love lets others have their turn talking. It never puts others down by acting like they don't count.

Love doesn't insist on getting all the credit or being one of the popular crowd.

Love doesn't hold on grudges. It doesn't keep thinking over and over again about how someone will hurt you. Love doesn't think doing wrong is cool.

Love looks out for the interests for others.

Love keeps on trusting God even when the right choices you make don't turn out the way you want.

Love doesn't give up just because something goes wrong or because your feelings are hurt."

What is your definition of it? 

Dreams.

I am a dreamer. Was. Still. & Always. 

I used to dream about being a doctor. Going to Australia. Being a singer. And fly like Wong Fei Hong. 

For me, dreams are defines as to fulfil my desires for my own happiness. 

Ahhh... What a feelin'. 

Today, March 7, 2012, that definition defines me as a SELFISH man! 

Why? 

Bcuz, even when I am dreamin', all I can think of is my happiness. MY OWN. 

Realising that this world is comprises of 6.999 billion of people, and if those numbers are made up of selfish people, 

we would have 6.999 billion of cars, 

6.999 billion of houses, 

6.999 billion of every single thing. 

Bcuz we want to have everything TO. OUR. OWN.

These couple of months after I finished my Bachelor Degree, my mind has been occupied with What's Next questions. Where would I be. What I wanna do. Who am I gonna be. 

Then I stumbled to one quote from Edgar Cayce saying, Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions. 

In order to answer my What's Next questions, I start to dream. 

Everyday, my dreams are getting bigger and wilder. At one point, I can't even contain my dreams bcuz I get too excited. I've lost it. Lost in my own dreams. 

Why? Bcuz I kept on dreaming FOR myself. Over and over again. 

Dreams is like this. 

They need to be achieve. Once you succeeded, do you find a new dream or didya stick with them and die with it? That is the actual question that we all need to figure out. 

So I look inside the vessel that holds my dreams and wishes. 

All I can find is myself. Only me. I say to myself, What is there when you only have dreams to yourself and no one to share with? What is happiness when you're alone? 

It is like dreaming to be in Antarctic by yourself for the rest of your life. Maybe some of you want that, but that is not dreaming, that is isolation. 

Having said that, it doesn't mean you have to give up your selfish dreams. All that we should do is ENHANCE those dreams to a different realm than it is not. 

Possibly, share them. 

I almost forgot why I wanna be a doctor when I was a kid. It is bcuz that the fact that my eldest sister passed away not due to Malaria but bcuz of the slow service of the doctors/nurses in my kampung's clinic. Listening to that sad story, as a kid, I promised to myself that I would be a successful MD whom actually save lives. Be the honest Dr. Be the people's Dr. Be the Dr that save someone's sister. 

I dream FOR people. 

Though now I can't be a doctor, I can educate future doctors. *wink* 

Teaching is my passion now. 

So, for me to become a great teacher, I should include myself, my students, my school into my dreams. These are the few ingredients for a better education. 

From now on, for whatever that I planned to do, and what I am destined to be, I would always dream for people. 

Dream on people 

xoxo

Sexism

My issue: 

When a woman is doing a man's job they are called a strong woman, an independent lady, and inspiring figure. However, when a man is doing woman's job, like cleaning, taking care of the children, or being a nurse, we say that they are feminine guy, sissy, weak, and the list goes on and on. 

My question: WHY? 

Why can't we accept equality among HUMAN, not man nor woman, HUMAN equality. 

Do you think it is easier to become a single dad than a single mom? 

Do you think a man is weak to cry from relationship breakup? 

Do you think it's wrong for a man to greet his wife from work? 

My argument: 

We always talks about women's power. Feminism. 

Yet, when a man is doing 'girly' stuff, we tease them for being such a p***y. Such a girl. Such a WEAK. 

And if you are a woman, you should be ashamed of yourself, because you think a girl is weak. 

That is like spitting up to the air.

And if you are a man, I hope no woman would fall for you. 

My example: 

When I was in secondary school, I always hated my PE class. I admit that I am kaki bangku (can't play football). But for my school, not knowing how to play it is somehow a disease. So, my PE teacher literally forced me to play and if I refuse, he'll cane. I explained to him my kaki bangku situation and asked for permission to play volleyball instead. His answer to me, oh wait for it, 'That's a girl's game.' 

The entire 60 minutes of the chasing ball games, I just stood there in the middle watching the ball being kicked. He never knew that I am good in volleyball, well at least WAY much better than football. 

Another example came from an event a few years back. A friendly conversation turns into an awkward silence and I'm sure a volcanic eruption anger in my inner universe, when someone close to me suggest that I should go to gym to 'build my character.' The rest is history. I rather go to hell if heaven accept people that don't accept me for who I am. My belief taught me how to LOVE. 

We set our world to a lot of laws and regulations, mostly are stupid. 

We darken our students with grades. 

We says only a man should be the head of the organisation. 

We believe an answer to sins is hell. 

We think skirts is for ladies and pants for men. 

Think about this, why we called a coward p***y and a bad man d**k? 

Yet again, we think we are free minded generation. 

Sexism isn't sexi. 

bla bla bla...

Undergrad grades.

I was in the bottom of my greatest valley of disappointment when I received my final semester's grades for Maths, which revealed that my very best is not enough to give me desirable grades. 

What more worse than after busting my butt out the entire semester, receiving insult after another, burning the midnight oil to prove something, until I worn myself out, it doesn't change the fact that I AM STILL SUCK in Maths. 

Way out of misery is what I seek for the entire week. If anyone or anything can give me a key to self-confidence once more, I would do anything to have it. However, nothing works.

At that time (and still at the moment), I am joing preparation class for IELTS. In addition to those 'You suck in Maths' moment, my grammar was so poor that I have to count on my 18-yo friend to teach me. 

I was at the wrong place in so many ways that very moment. 

My self-esteem was out of reach. 

My inner peace was at war. 

My physical and emotional energy was in debt. 

My happiness currency was at it lowest, going invaluable. 

Then, I use the power of friendship and respect to regain those lost feeling again. Not stumbling down to this, but I seek for comfort in my truest friend and teacher, Mr Reynoso. He said, 

'Let me tell you...nobody cares about college grades once you leave college!  So forget about them! If you tried your best that is all that matters.  Grades do NOT determine how successful you are going to be in life.  Good grades don't make you a good teacher.  Good grades don't make you a good person.  Good grades are only good for when you are in college...'

I jumped off my seat in realization that, 'F**k! What have I become?'

Those words and the fact that I notice very little to the fact that I only received 2/5 grades, this ain't the end! 

The REAL reality kicks in when officially, I can graduate (which was a struggle to get), I pass with honours, and now I am going for the IELTS with confidence creamed with 'There is nothing stopping you--expect for yourself'

Dear friends, your struggle was mine before, and still is.

 However, if you stop now, you won't be getting your real desirable result, which is waiting for you in the future. 

It’s hard. Yes. 

But to get the sharpest samurai blade is when they are knock and burned for so many times in long hours. 

After that, you'll be as clear as the blade's surface and you'll cut all the obstacles in front of you. 

Thank you struggles. Thank you teacher. Thank you life.  

Thank YOU, now I finally found my piece of mind once more. 

xoxo

The struggling dreamer. 

12 for '12.

Feliz Año Nuevo

There are just so many things that I wanna do in this lifetime. I dunno if I ever get the chance to fulfil it all, but to even think and dream about it has been the journey for me. 

As a new year came to our senses, we always so excited to start anew with everything, the 'resolutions' shits and stuff. 

For that, we pledge our time in that particular year to do things that we wanna. 

Why? So many reasons that one can give but if that makes you happy, go for it. 

However, I always falls into the same pattern every year. 

I. Can't. Keep. My. Own. Resolution. 

I realize now that those resolutions is sometimes almost impossible to fulfil and the reality is even better than my dreams. 

When you wanna dream, dream BIG! 

Also, I always 'foresee' things in that year and constrained my dreams to the things that I will get for sure, not the thing that push me to do better. 

Reducing the loss value I say. 

So, when you know you will get your Bachelor Degree that year, you don't put 'Get a degree' in your list, bcuz it's not a to-do list, its waiting list. 

Fools! *reminder for myself* 

That is why this year, I'mma do it differently. I called it 'to-do list'. 

It's like buying groceries. You look in your kitchen and look for what sorta things you need to get and write it down. Then you go and buy it based on your list. 

That shop might not have the spices you wanna for your rendang, so you improvise. 

Or they might not have anything you want, you improvise. 

Same goes for this to-do list. I won't kill myself if I don't get to achieve it until 31st Dec. 

I'll improvise, better and/or differently. 

The other thing, with this to-do list, it gives me some kinda purpose in life to achieve and see where I am are standing with my own dreams. It's 2012 now. Starts living. 

So, here it is. *in no particular order of urgency*

1. Get a driving license 
2. Bring my parent to peninsular M'sia
3. Get healthy (good body shape, good skin, good hairs, shining white teeth, no fast foods, salad every week) 
4. Do bungee jump in Wellington Bridge, NZ
5. Design and produce 100 GREAT custom T-Shirt
6. Sit for IELTS 
7. See at least ONE The World Wonder (The Great Wall of China and/or Pyramid of Egypt) 
8. Post a YouTube video (1st Video: Jan 25)
9. Malaysian trip
10. Read at least one good book every month
11. Learn Spanish
12. Get a tattoo. 

What's yours?

(And when I finally did it, I'll color it red.)

xoxo,

breamerdoy