Words

For the big mouth, opps, it slips

For the quiet, silence is golden

For casanova, action speaks louder

For Maks, never stops talking

Different people speaks differently.

Some speaks too much,

Some says too little,

Who wins? No one.

What do people want actually?

To say what they wanna, or

to hear what they need to?

What do I need actually?

Hearing those words everyday, or

hearing it once in a blue moon?

Everyday; That's enough

Blue moon; I'm dreaming

I dunno what should I hear.

I dunno how it should be said.

I dunno when I wanna hear it.

I dunno where would it leads.

I dunno who says it better.

I dunno...

In the past, I heard those words.

Never forgotten that morning.

That sweet simple saying.

Maybe that's all I needed.

Then I lost the love when I heard goodbye words.

Pronounced clearly, like a marching band chords.

What are words?

Those words that I never said to you, now locked in a heart box,

kept far far away.

Now that I can says it, and it's not to you.

and Lord, to your words that has been the lamp to my feet.

xoxo

g

Home to Mak & Pak.

Last week I went home, from 25th - 30th Oct 2011.

The reasons;

Mom is sick

I am home sick

Sick staying in KL

Despite the bad experience w. AirAsia that I decide not to reveals here, I manage to finally see my family after the last home coming in August.

Here's the thing about going home.

It's lovely to spends some time w. your loved one.

The conversation. The jokes. The affections. The foods. The catching up.

Being home, how great thou art.

However, what is my family w/o dramas? Oh come on, look at me, I'm a drama queen.

My family is very conservative when it comes to dealing w. dramas.

We tend to silence it up and try not to talk about it, in hoping that it'll go away on its own.

Guess what, it failed in styles.

The problems keep coming back like Lindsay Lohan to the court, the frequency and the condition always keep getting worse.

And everybody wants to have piece of it.

Sister blows up.

Bro-in-law silence.

Mak wants to say something.

Pak agrees w. her.

Niece cries wanting Angry Birds books but didn't gets the attention bcuz everybody's having their shitty moment.

And ME, 'I just wish that we all being happy that I'm actually home.'

Mak brought me to our backyard.

Her getaway. Her cave. Her artwork. Her obsession.

She planted paddy. Corns. Fruits. Chillies.

We talked about many things in that hour.

She ramble. I listen.

I never seems to like her rambles before, but that particular day, her rambles get me quiet in a good way. Telling me her secrets that none knows about.

Along the rambles, I comments here and there.

The talking gives me realisation how mature I became.

The listening makes me want to bring her out of this place ASAP. Where to? Just out of this shit holes. Starts a new. There's too much things happened here.

From the miserableness of getting this piece of land and losing it to some corrupted government, to the lost of my beloved eldest sister, and the other modern dramas after Mak's kids reached puberty.

No matter how far I go, my heart belongs to this place.

No replacement.

No substitute.

Nothing likes it.

But then I realise, being home is just the physical rituals. I manage to capture my feeling that says, 'I don't mind where I be as long as I'm w. Mak and Pak, that's where my HOME is.'

Giving back to our parent is not necessary. As they gave their all to raise and make us human w/o wanting anything back as return. But it's our duty to assure them that we are human, not what they WANT us to be, but what TAUGHT us to be.

It doesn't matter what we've become, a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a politician, a mother, a father, or a friend, our parents didn't ask for those material things, but what they really want is for us to give them a life that they don't have for raising us.

The quietness as they suffered listening to our cries.

The best dinner as they skipped their's to take care of us when we're sick.

Early morning serenity as they woke up early to get you ready for school.

Good Christmas outfit to put on as they sacrifices their's to give you the best look every year.

Holidays as they work all year round to look after us.

As a son to my parent, I wish I can fulfil at least one of their dreams on top of my best plans for them. Bringing Pak to a Muay Thai match, and Mak to enjoy Bali for as long as she wanted to. Simple yet it's something that I caught from their conversation.

Guys, do take care of our parent yeah? Our breath are theirs.

23.

Happy Birthday to me, for the 23rd time.

Giving birth is always (at least for me) the most magical phenomenon that happen to human species. That 9 months, a living organism actually occupied women's tummy, is a miracle period of time which also creepy when you think about it.

Never mind what I think, as my mom rocks for carrying me like a kangaroo & thought of me when she eats, drinks, walks, talk, and think. Then, she finally gave birth to me. Well, I was a c-baby. So, I was literally forced out from her tummy and that gave mark to her which she uses as a weapon to win over me EVERY SINGLE TIME I disobeyed or being bad.

She said, 'Look at this mark, it was a hard work for me to bring to this world, and you not gonna go & help me get the flour from the shop?'

Yeah, literally that!

And so, that's why I was and still (wink wink) a good kid after these 23 years walking on this planet.

The family needed me more than ever since I will be graduating soon and be what I wanna be, well, more of what they hope me to be.

Whatever is my path, either chosen by me or them, I will always owe my parent, especially my mom a WORLD that I could not pay her entirely. Just hoping that I make her smile everyday.

Looking back at those years flew by like pendulum swing, I didn't achieve much in life.

I blame the opportunity door and circumstances.

But now, after years of finding the right pathway, I am pretty much sure about my way & how to get over those obstacles rather than banging my head against those walls in hoping it'll turn into an open doors. Ain't gonna happen.

Wishes I received from lovely lovely people around the world.

I was actually have to sit back and think that I was actually loved and my existence matter to people, well at least to people that matters to me.

As you get older, birthdays are not as big deal as it was when you're a kid.

It also can be disappointing or sadness.

However, those kind words that you received is what matter that actually makes you look back and say a little prayer about your own existence.

I am looking forward for another year of happiness and great things.

If I set my mind on it, I will breakthrough it.

If I wanna dream, I'll dream big!

Finally, my present. The greatest material present I got is Long Champ travel bag. Looking at it makes me wanna travel!! And that is exactly what I wanna do this year.

xoxo

bdayboy,gilly

The EastEnder.

Here I am writing this confession about my future, my ego, my shames, my lies, my secrets, my delayed.
This is dedicated to my beloved friends who cares to know, to share, to understand, to value, to forgive.

To write this, take a lot of guts as I'm sure you'll be shock and it's not easy to spills out when I am looking into your eyes and be honest about. This bloggie entree serve as medium for me to express those feeling inside that I kept from you.

Today marks a new chapter in Uni's freshies life as they'll start on a journey to find a better life via education. And as for me, that life is 4 years ago, and another 4 more months to go.
Yes, I am extending my study. Whilst, my fellow batch-mates of 07/08 had graduated and waiting to be awarded for their 4 years hard work.

If you care to know why, read more.

Remember when I said I wanna change to English instead of dying in Science?
It took me a semester in stake for that. Due to many obstacles and front desk troubles, I registered on a particular semester with only a few credit hours, and left a big hole in that semester doing nothing.
That's why I work.

Science drowned me out. I literally can't breath no longer, can't think properly, can't find the right portion to grasp, I being a left out student in class. I gave up at times. I messed up the paper. I suck in it. I failed to passed. For whatever happens then, all I can say is sorry, I regretted it. I wish I can turn back time. I wish I can change. I wish I just stays focus. Now, I hope my pass mistakes won't punish me any longer 'cuz it punished me enuff.

Maths sucked me into this big black hole that somehow draining my power of will to do things, my motivation, my conscious, my right thinking, my wisdoms.
It keeps on failing me, and failing me, and failing me, over and over again.
Sometimes, it just not blended to my blood, and I repel to it and stay out of Maths.
I promise to me self, when this finished, I'll be no longer Mathematicing around.
It just not my thing. (Read other entries about this)

Have you ever watch The Wipeout on AXN?
When the 4 finalist wants to compete for the $50G, they have to finish the obstacles in time that being set by the 1st contestant. But unlike many people, that would stop when they can't beat the time, I would go the distance and finishes the obstacles 'cuz its not about ending it that matters, but HOW you ended it.

I may not be as bright as you are, but I believe everybody has a rezeki (fortune/luck). And mine chooses to go down this road. For now, I have to stay here for awhile and will catch up witya soon.
So, you better get your life sorted before I am out, cuz you don't wanna me to beat your a**.

Thank you for reading.
Pray for me. For Strength. For Hope. For Life.
I pray for you too, for the great start of your new life.

xoxo
The EastEnder.

Homecoming Queen.

As Gwyneth Paltrow sang, it's the four letter words, a place you go to heal your hurt, it's an alter, it's a shelter, one place you always welcome, Home. And as for me, its a double story green house (literally), surrounded by Mak flowers and plants, a HOME.

That's where I came from and where I belong. 

Where the rain drops are heard & respected, 

wind blows that soothes your soul, 

that quacking ducks and barking dogs are fed like your child,

and it maybe not be London nor KL, full of bright lights shines that blinds your eyes, the lights are down earlier and my Kampung sounded literally like it's an abandoned pilgrimage camps. 

There are no midnight movies,

not much night food stalls,

and basically it's a numb nights there.

But hey, I like that bcuz it's calm me down as an individual. 

I tries to find stuff to do, which most of the time listening to music and playing games (not much of Facebook as there is not much of an Edge connection let alone 3G). 

I can see myself flying home often when I'm a working man bcuz this place pulled me back a lil bit and just woken up @ 10am and back to sleep after lunch, that just divine! 

Little bit longer, I feel dehydrated from those nothing-much-to-do activities. 

From those early night sleeping. 

From the f**king are-you-kidding-me neighbour!

From the sad Mak's stories.

From Umang's (my niece) crazy behaviour and her mom scolding her almost every minutes.

I needed something to do most of the time, and nothing to do sometimes. That's me.

I needed big city like KL to triggers me. To starts me up. To bring me to life, says Evanescence.

That's why I'm coming back. Keep coming back.

As times goes by, the goodbyes seems to be easy and easier.

Not much tear drops, just laughter and waiting-for-next-time-meeting wave.

I love home.

I love Mak.

I love Pak.

I love my family.

I'll come back soon, I promise.

Xoxo Gilly

Hook the Look.

I'm sorry dear blog that I have neglected you and have not entertain your body like I used to.

Life has become crazy and crazier with each day.Now I am half way thru of my teaching practice, which gives me the inside of our teacher's room & the reality of this career.

Its surreal that I am now a teacher when I still smell my teen years that I spent in my school back home.

Well I am here not to tell you about that but what I feel so far about me being teacher.

I don't believe when one of my friend who works for a good company in Singapore have to grow beard just to look old enuff for the profession since he's working with far more experienced and old business men & women.

He look way much older than his real age, 29.

I commented to that as 'it's ridiculous and you shouldn't be changing your look for that'.

Little that I know, it is important to look your profession.

I am 5'5". 165cm tall. Waist of 29/30.

An average male teacher in my school is twice my size!

Need I to say more?

I look just like my student. It becomes more clearer and clear today as we have our annual sports day.

I turned up in the stadium with my green T-shirt just like any other students in my house.

Some of the teachers mistaken me with the students and for the students that dunno me, they don't take me seriously when I give orders or questions. Sigh is the only thing that I can do at that moment.

Kept asking my fellow practical teachers how the hell am I to look the profession?

It's not my fault that I am small in size!

That's not all. In fact that's not the worse!

Teachers easily commented in the hallway when I passed by with the students (I have a green shirt that look like Student's Fellow) that they mistaken me for that students.

Feel embarrassed and down.

But for most of the time, I am a half full kinda person.

I can passed of being 16 or 17!!

xoxo

the small teacher, Gilly

Things I should've Said...

is...

How grateful I am to know each and everyone of you, TESLians.

it started with...Alicia whom I met from the choir team for orientation week.

She intro me to her friend, Esther J. P (and her roomie).

and to her bestie, Puyang Lawrence, whom later turned to be Burlesquer!

in Christ alone...

you never walk alone,

when He intro me to Anna & Jess Yim to bring me to City Harvest with Fish Kee.

then...

I started to show up in their shows (by invitation of course)

- 1st year show.

- final year show - The Animal Farm. AND

- TESL Ball.

then I lead...

with Dr. Angelo as a guide, leadership class is the reason why I always have a BBQs with them and Choo Gui Chan & Lily Woon,

then I write...

with Dineshwari & Lydia .C in the most critical & impossible to please lecturer/writer's class.

then we party...

HARD!

with Nikki Hilary sat beside me, and her man, Devan, whom later turned to our driver!

there...
I can recognise (at least) by faces, each & EVERYONE of them, TESLians.

I have more friends in TESL than my own course mates.
in fact, I wrote a letter to the Dean saying I wanna be TESLian!
which they turned down cuz of bla bla bla.

and now, the Jrs., is my friends, too.

If you never know nor believe me before, I would like to say, this is real, when I say,
I AM TODAY BCUZ OF EACH ONE OF YOU.

Thats what I should say to you that night...

xoxo
g

Analogy about Maths.

Few hours ago, I sit for my midterm for Introduction to Operational Research subject, or in Malay they called it P.O.P. Sounds better huh? It is so NOT fun to learn as as much as I love money, I don't like to calculate it. This subject is about calculating and predict your lost or damage to your pocket when something (most of the time bad) happen.
First 2 chapter is DECISION THEORY and GAME THEORY.
Making decision is always not my forte. For instances, I can't decide whether to buy a jacket from ZARA or Topman. So, i end up buying both and burn my wallet.
Then, I don't play games, like skis, chess (I spell it as CHEST! for god sake haha), or any games that involved 2xn (or nx2) player, or something related. I just don't. Indoor or outdoor. I DON'T. So why would I want to calculate all this? No point huh?

And still, there I was, sitting like a pinkish piglet sweating to death trying to think, write, calculate, (sometimes peek on my friend's answer sheets), at the same time. I know I am multitask person, but not in that part.

You must think that I am a total dork or lazy pig. Not being able to answer or not revising for midterms.
You're wrong. As far as I know, I am a good student (not the dean list, if you pardon :P), but still a good student.
I perform really well in Education subject. Fun and energetic student in class. But I am nothing like that in Maths class. :(
It just turns me off.
You wanna know how I feel about all this. Here the analogy.
Imagine a straight guy, or if you are, imagine yourself having sex with another guy. Its turns you off, well unless if you're interested in guy. Thats another for another entry. My point here is, it don't turns you on. You're not into it no matter how 'good' it is, if you pardon the pun.

I am stress. So, forgive my crudeness and my silly mind.

xoxo,
stress soy.