I never told you, You never know.

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm alone with me

I miss your blue eyes.

xoxo

about gilly.

When were you happiest?
- I get happy very easy and it’s not hard to make me happy. I am happy most of the time, I think. :P

What is your greatest fear?
- Being alone and not being able to start my own life

What is your earliest memory?
- Playing with my brother and sisters

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
- My parent, cliché I know. But they gave me more than they have.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
- Stubbornness and laziness

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
- Make promises but can’t keep it.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
- I get embarrass easily, so a lot.

Aside from a property, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
- My E72! When I hand in the cash, my heart felt like being slashed by a knife.

What is your most treasured possession?
- So far, memories. If I happen to be amnesia, I have nothing.

Where would you like to live?
- UK or Australia. Maybe USA.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
- No idea.

What would your super power be?
- Flying.

What makes you unhappy?
- Broken promises and when my mom is unhappy.

What is your most unappealing habit?
- I smell the cotton buds after I clean my ears!! Disturbing!!

What is your favorite book?
- Lots! But I think what I love the most is Cecilia Ahern’s PS I Love You. One of the earliest books I read. It became sorta prayer book every night before I go to sleep. And when I wanna cry, I just read the highlighted ‘verses’ and it just melt me. Girly book, I know, but I don’t care!

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
- Cinderella dress!! With the glass stiletto!! :P

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
- Spending money that I don’t own much.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
- To the people that I said ‘te amo’ but I don’t mean it, at all. I just wanna play around.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
- Not applicable for this audience.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
- ‘OMG!’, ‘Shit!’, ‘Sial!!!!’

What has been your biggest disappointment?
- For not nailing my MUET and get at least Band 4 for it and not studying TESL for degree.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
- Study really hard in my English and edit my biggest disappointment.

When did you last cry?
- Few days ago.

How often do you have sex?
- Not applicable for this audience.

What is the closest you've come to death?
- I dunno. Can’t recall.

Tell us a secret.
- I have lots of secrets and it's related to each others. So, if I tell one, it'll lead to another secret telling.

xoxo

my existence.

When I look around the space I am occupying,
with the people around me,
with the constant frown, sadness, noises, fake
I somehow lost in this jungle of reality that I created myself,
and sick of it!

At a point,
I want to start it all over again, fresh,
do it better.

At a point,
I think to myself that I have no values at all in this dream of my childhood.

Feels like I am just a projection from someone who is dreaming,
useless,
and just being one of the actor in someone else's movie.

At this point,
I was thinking about;
what if I die this very minute??
would my friend cry??
would my family be disappointed??
would that someone know that all my love goes to him??
would I die happy??
would all the people that I cared gonna think of me in 14 days after this very minute?

What values that I have to this people??

I dunno.

the noises around me makes me deaf.
the silence that surrounds me makes me nervous,
blocking me from listening to my own heart beats.

I want some assurances, and re-assurances in my life.

one20 secs with....Ian.

Ian Robert Knight.
he is;
Gift from God.
Famed; bright; shining
Noble / Soldier.
'nuff said.

This entry where I pay tribute to Mr Knight, the best photographer I've ever met. He looks like a very readable Homo Sapiens, but there are many things I haven't discover about him. So, I sent him a questionnaire and ask him to answer it. Now, I know him better than I used to.
Here it goes;

When were you happiest?
Umm… I’d have to say it’s often. I am happiest when I am traveling.
Particularly, if it’s a new place that I’ve never been to before.

What is your greatest fear?
Failure.

What is your earliest memory?
I have memories of playing with my siblings, when I was about 3 or 4 years old.
I remember we had a basement apartment in Edmonton, Canada.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Hard to say, but I admire many photographers.
If it were a non-living person, that’d be my Father.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Laziness. Some days, I can think back and wonder what I did all day.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Disregard for time. I hate when others are late.
If you say 1 pm, be there at 1 pm, not 1:20 or 1:45.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Honestly, I can’t really think of any.
I don’t embarrass easily.

Aside from a property, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
Cars, mostly. I’ve had a few.

What is your most treasured possession?
My camera, and the photos I’ve created with it.

Where would you like to live?
Tough call. SE Asia or China.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
No idea. An extinct dog?

What would your super power be?
Sight. Permanent, strong, and far-reaching.

What makes you unhappy?
When people lie to me, and it affects decisions I’ve made, because I assume they told me the truth.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Gluttony. I get fat easily, because I eat poorly.

What is your favourite book?
I don’t read too often.
Blink by Malcolm Gladwell changed my life, though.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
Something from medieval times, like a royal costume.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Alcohol, I guess.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
My ex-wife, for wasting her time by marrying her.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Ask me before I die. Maybe it is still to come.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
“Gosh”, “mmm…pork”, “venti Americano”, “you’re over 18, right?”

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Not being well known for my work.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I would go to University and study Business and Photography

When did you last cry?
Can’t recall, it’s been a while.

How often do you have sex?
Umm….not much. A few times per week, I guess.

What is the closest you've come to death?
I can’t think of anything. I’ve led a pretty lucky + safe life.

Tell us a secret.
I was born a poor black child.

If you wanna ask more questions, please feel free to.
I'll be happy to forward your questions to Mr Knight.

xoxo

The Prayer

Today (July 1st, '10), I went to the Chaiya Mangkalaram Buddisht Temple in Pulau Tikus, Penang. My intention of going there is to wake up the Sleeping Buddha. But hey, I found this awesome wheel of fortune that you insert your 50 cents coin and press the button to stop the neon light at the number that gonna decide your fortune, I guess. I tried it. I get Chiam See #8. (excited since 8 is good #) And here what it says;

Your present position is like a valuable treasure buried under the ground. You dig the ground in the hope of getting it, but you dig the wrong place, and you are unable to find it. Similarly, even if you work hard at the present time, you may not get much benefit by doing so because your present career is unsuitable. In rowing it against the current of water and wind, the boat will naturally not go fast. Do not get discouraged. In future, there will be some people to support and help you. A sick person in your family will recover soon. In case of persecution you have a few hopes to win the case and probably you may be found guilty. Your next baby will be a boy. Your luck in other things is not good.

My first impression was; WHA...?!
I thought 8 was a good number.
Well, its obviously something that I can't celebrate nor argue about since I chose to spin the wheel of fortune. You don't decide on what you wanna hear but what you suppose to hear!

However, it made me think.
"Is this the way religion tries to hold on us and make us pray to the goddess for fortune, luck, love, and many blessings that WE hope to possess??"
Until we would simply give our time, efforts, energy, etc to the goddess??

not that I don't believe in the power of prayer.
I was born in a Christian family and being brought up in its way.
One time in my life, I almost knock on Bible school door to enroll myself to be a priest, all thanks to my late Rev. Dais. (Just incase you think I'm a back slide Christian that write what is right but not what I do for real)
But the power of prayer brought me here where the power wanted me to do greater things in life.

I dunno whats the point of this entry, but I long to write something about my late Rev Dais, prayer and religions.
I guess this is the combination of all.

A dear friend of mine used his time while driving alone to have one-on-one talk to the god. (he's not a religious guy)
Another friend used to pray The Serenity Prayer. (he never been to church nor wanted to) and before he went to sleep, he'll reflect the 10 things of the day (most temple/church goers don't do that)
My mom is very particular with prayer before eating. (be grateful that we can eat)
My English friend, believe that prayer at the end of day can make you recall, refelct and re-evaluate what had happen today (is it good? bad?)
My ex-leader forced me to pray (ain't working)

We all pray, in a different ways.
To who? To the One.

xoxo
Gill Loong.

the untold story of a sister.

When we talk about the person that we love, we can easily list down hundreds even thousands of things that we like and remember about them.
All the memories, presents, movies, places, dates etc that you gone thru with that particular person are all remembered and carved eternally in your conscious and unconscious mind.
Repeated over and over again in your day dreaming and in your dreams when you're asleep.
For the person that can still hold their love one close to them, they keep on working on building more dreams together.
For those who lose their love one, the memories of yesterday is the only key to unlock the treasure of love with them.
And they would do anything to hold on to that memory and never let go, even they've gone, somewhere reachable or unreachable.

You must be thinking I'm all emo'ed up about teenage love.
No. I am talking about my love towards my brother and sisters.

They were my first best friend.
Being the baby and being three years younger from my sisters, they are the one who took care of me when my parent are away.
So, mostly we do literally everything together.

But today, I'mma write about my eldest sister.

I love her so much.
More than I know and more than anyone could imagine.
However, someone loves her more than I do and needed her more than anyone did.
The angels took my sister up, up and away, to a place where there is no goodbye nor cries.
Leaving us down here wishing upon the stars to retain the memories and trying hard to not lose every lines of her face, every look, every touch, everything.

If she's still around today, I would capture every angle of her with my camera and frame it against the wall.
But sadly, she's gone and all that we've owned is a few old pictures of her.

These, kept us reminded of our beloved sister who once here in our life.

I was very small when they brought back my sister's idled body yet with peaceful face home. I still remember the brownish color hospital car approaching and leaving our little house and leaving her in the middle of the living room.
Next thing I know, the house was filled with weeps and sorrows.

At times of hardship, in the early marriage of my parent, she was the one who's always there with my mom.
When people hated them,
mocking them,
treated them as second graded human being,
when my dad was still young and wild,
when everything was at it worse,
she was there.

These things makes it harder for Mak to say goodbye.

Even until today as you're reading this entry, tears stream down her face when the thought of her came to Mak's mind.

My greatest regret is that I don't remember much about her.
They told that I was her favorite brother,
they told me she loved me so much that she would do anything for me,
they said she would love more than anyone would, if she's here now.

Four events that I remembered about her,

1)

When I made Mak so furious for smashing her glass door cabinet and she forced me to eat all the glasses that I smashed, out of cries, my sister begged Mak not to harm me. She hug me when it's all over and she help to clean the place.
She was there for me.

2)

My sister's friend asked us to take a picture together. Blue shirt against a blue Land Rover truck, smiled just-woke-up-from-afternoon-nap face, as what I remembered. Though the

photo was 'burned', but the moment captured on my mind forever. It was a special ordinary day.

3)

White sheet cotton covering her body. Cotton wool stuffed in her nose and ears. She look so peaceful that day but her peacefulness bring tears to the whole world.
I was sitting on Pak's lap, innocent, blurr, and seems not to understand what is happening. Did I cried? I dunno. I can't recall. Do I want to remind myself that day? No.

4)

Last but not least, and its very funny (at least for me). As I said earlier, my siblings are the one who took care of me and we do everything together. One day, when Pak & Mak was away, 4 of us sit in a circle with gasoline lamp in the middle and Pak's ciggies case. We all puffed the ciggs and promised that we will never tell anyone what happened. And you know what, I told my dad!! All four of us get punishment from my beloved Mak. They promised to themselves that they would never bring me playing again.

These are the only four moment of her that being repeat, peat peat peat over and over again. It only take a few minutes to do so though I wish that I remember more about her.
Despite these short memories, I still cherish it as it gives me a sense of love from a person that I used to know and hope to know more.

I love you sis.
I'll drive to the hill to see you when I get home.

xoxo to you,
Your favorite G.

A day at Cheezy Place.

He wasn't there when I arrived.
Kinda expected it. He's there on a certain days only.
Argh, don't bother about it.
Just asked them to pick any of the boys for me, I'll be fine.
I just sit there and waiting nervously.
A lady came towards me. I understand that gesture when she show me a bottle of shampoo. I said, 'Yes, please.'
She pours the contain on to my head and start to do what she best at.
She'll go down to my neck, I close my eyes and she asked, 'Is it OK?'
and I replied her, 'Absolutely yes!'
Then, she continue. It feels so good.
I would come again if she do it well.
After she done, she wash me while she was talking about what she best in.
I just ah, um, yes, uh huh, oh, and a whole lot of sounds in the process.
Then, she would sit me somewhere in the corner and said, 'Please wait a moment. He'll come and entertain you.' while she pointing to the guy next to me doing someone else. We just smile when our eyes met.
My nervous system works pretty fine until I saw how he deal with his customer.
I said to myself, 'he looks not so experience in this'.
and I murmured alone like a crazy guy in the staircase of China Town worrying about him.
As was the lady promised, a moment here in Malaysia is at least 20 mins. So, that's what I get. I'm not in a rush anyway since I came here just for this, nothing else.

After he done with his other customer, he approach me and said, 'Can I get 5 mins from you, need to breath a lil'. You know.' I just nodding my head agreeing.
5 mins later: he said HI to me and we talk how I wanna it to be done.
Blah blah blah...
Ask him whether he can deliver or not. He nodded and my life is in his hand now.
When he started it from the side, my eyes just pop out literally and my heart beat faster than when I did 100 meters sprint.
He never deal with me before since his colleague is my favorite, but he's not around, and that's why I nervous so much.
I can feel my palm sweat in spite of the cold of the place.
Then he finally realize that I look nervous.
'Don't worry' he said. 'I went to school for this together with your favorite guy'. Winking at me and continue with what he do best.
After he done with the left side, he moved to the right one. Same.
I kept quite while this process is really taking place.
he said again, 'don't worry, it's not done yet. You'll love it when its done. Believe me.'
Up and down, he dealt with my head. Looking at it, I feel satisfied.

'OK done.' I was surprise.
And I complain with a tone of unsatisfactory.
he take his gadget, dealing with my unsatisfactory.

He rushed to the back and take out his wax.
Never seen anything like it before.
He rub the wax onto his palm and start applying it to me.
Smells good.
Mirror out when he's done and he asked me to stand.
'Excited to see the back?' he asked.
I replied with uncertainty, 'I guess so.'
and then, I surprise cuz overall, he did impress me.

25, he said.
Pay and walk away after thanking him.
Before I go, I said, 'I'll come again for you.'

I love the place which they named 'Cheez?', the price, the workers, and their hospitality.
I'mma come again, for sure.

xoxo