the untold story of a sister.

When we talk about the person that we love, we can easily list down hundreds even thousands of things that we like and remember about them.
All the memories, presents, movies, places, dates etc that you gone thru with that particular person are all remembered and carved eternally in your conscious and unconscious mind.
Repeated over and over again in your day dreaming and in your dreams when you're asleep.
For the person that can still hold their love one close to them, they keep on working on building more dreams together.
For those who lose their love one, the memories of yesterday is the only key to unlock the treasure of love with them.
And they would do anything to hold on to that memory and never let go, even they've gone, somewhere reachable or unreachable.

You must be thinking I'm all emo'ed up about teenage love.
No. I am talking about my love towards my brother and sisters.

They were my first best friend.
Being the baby and being three years younger from my sisters, they are the one who took care of me when my parent are away.
So, mostly we do literally everything together.

But today, I'mma write about my eldest sister.

I love her so much.
More than I know and more than anyone could imagine.
However, someone loves her more than I do and needed her more than anyone did.
The angels took my sister up, up and away, to a place where there is no goodbye nor cries.
Leaving us down here wishing upon the stars to retain the memories and trying hard to not lose every lines of her face, every look, every touch, everything.

If she's still around today, I would capture every angle of her with my camera and frame it against the wall.
But sadly, she's gone and all that we've owned is a few old pictures of her.

These, kept us reminded of our beloved sister who once here in our life.

I was very small when they brought back my sister's idled body yet with peaceful face home. I still remember the brownish color hospital car approaching and leaving our little house and leaving her in the middle of the living room.
Next thing I know, the house was filled with weeps and sorrows.

At times of hardship, in the early marriage of my parent, she was the one who's always there with my mom.
When people hated them,
mocking them,
treated them as second graded human being,
when my dad was still young and wild,
when everything was at it worse,
she was there.

These things makes it harder for Mak to say goodbye.

Even until today as you're reading this entry, tears stream down her face when the thought of her came to Mak's mind.

My greatest regret is that I don't remember much about her.
They told that I was her favorite brother,
they told me she loved me so much that she would do anything for me,
they said she would love more than anyone would, if she's here now.

Four events that I remembered about her,

1)

When I made Mak so furious for smashing her glass door cabinet and she forced me to eat all the glasses that I smashed, out of cries, my sister begged Mak not to harm me. She hug me when it's all over and she help to clean the place.
She was there for me.

2)

My sister's friend asked us to take a picture together. Blue shirt against a blue Land Rover truck, smiled just-woke-up-from-afternoon-nap face, as what I remembered. Though the

photo was 'burned', but the moment captured on my mind forever. It was a special ordinary day.

3)

White sheet cotton covering her body. Cotton wool stuffed in her nose and ears. She look so peaceful that day but her peacefulness bring tears to the whole world.
I was sitting on Pak's lap, innocent, blurr, and seems not to understand what is happening. Did I cried? I dunno. I can't recall. Do I want to remind myself that day? No.

4)

Last but not least, and its very funny (at least for me). As I said earlier, my siblings are the one who took care of me and we do everything together. One day, when Pak & Mak was away, 4 of us sit in a circle with gasoline lamp in the middle and Pak's ciggies case. We all puffed the ciggs and promised that we will never tell anyone what happened. And you know what, I told my dad!! All four of us get punishment from my beloved Mak. They promised to themselves that they would never bring me playing again.

These are the only four moment of her that being repeat, peat peat peat over and over again. It only take a few minutes to do so though I wish that I remember more about her.
Despite these short memories, I still cherish it as it gives me a sense of love from a person that I used to know and hope to know more.

I love you sis.
I'll drive to the hill to see you when I get home.

xoxo to you,
Your favorite G.

A day at Cheezy Place.

He wasn't there when I arrived.
Kinda expected it. He's there on a certain days only.
Argh, don't bother about it.
Just asked them to pick any of the boys for me, I'll be fine.
I just sit there and waiting nervously.
A lady came towards me. I understand that gesture when she show me a bottle of shampoo. I said, 'Yes, please.'
She pours the contain on to my head and start to do what she best at.
She'll go down to my neck, I close my eyes and she asked, 'Is it OK?'
and I replied her, 'Absolutely yes!'
Then, she continue. It feels so good.
I would come again if she do it well.
After she done, she wash me while she was talking about what she best in.
I just ah, um, yes, uh huh, oh, and a whole lot of sounds in the process.
Then, she would sit me somewhere in the corner and said, 'Please wait a moment. He'll come and entertain you.' while she pointing to the guy next to me doing someone else. We just smile when our eyes met.
My nervous system works pretty fine until I saw how he deal with his customer.
I said to myself, 'he looks not so experience in this'.
and I murmured alone like a crazy guy in the staircase of China Town worrying about him.
As was the lady promised, a moment here in Malaysia is at least 20 mins. So, that's what I get. I'm not in a rush anyway since I came here just for this, nothing else.

After he done with his other customer, he approach me and said, 'Can I get 5 mins from you, need to breath a lil'. You know.' I just nodding my head agreeing.
5 mins later: he said HI to me and we talk how I wanna it to be done.
Blah blah blah...
Ask him whether he can deliver or not. He nodded and my life is in his hand now.
When he started it from the side, my eyes just pop out literally and my heart beat faster than when I did 100 meters sprint.
He never deal with me before since his colleague is my favorite, but he's not around, and that's why I nervous so much.
I can feel my palm sweat in spite of the cold of the place.
Then he finally realize that I look nervous.
'Don't worry' he said. 'I went to school for this together with your favorite guy'. Winking at me and continue with what he do best.
After he done with the left side, he moved to the right one. Same.
I kept quite while this process is really taking place.
he said again, 'don't worry, it's not done yet. You'll love it when its done. Believe me.'
Up and down, he dealt with my head. Looking at it, I feel satisfied.

'OK done.' I was surprise.
And I complain with a tone of unsatisfactory.
he take his gadget, dealing with my unsatisfactory.

He rushed to the back and take out his wax.
Never seen anything like it before.
He rub the wax onto his palm and start applying it to me.
Smells good.
Mirror out when he's done and he asked me to stand.
'Excited to see the back?' he asked.
I replied with uncertainty, 'I guess so.'
and then, I surprise cuz overall, he did impress me.

25, he said.
Pay and walk away after thanking him.
Before I go, I said, 'I'll come again for you.'

I love the place which they named 'Cheez?', the price, the workers, and their hospitality.
I'mma come again, for sure.

xoxo

Biggest Fee-R.

This few weeks, I've been facing my biggest fear: being alone.

The girls always being around me for most of the times, whenever I need them, they always around and vice versa. In my ordinary days, me and the girls, for almost 2 years went to dinner together, every single night. It's like the routine for me. Some people hates routine, but this routine is what I always looking forward to, everyday. I love it bcuz after a long day of school and busy-ness of life, these faces is always there and they are my human contact that I needed after all that. It doesn't have to be animated for all the time with jokes or stories, but their presence is what I needed, and that's enuff. Before April this year, I constantly thinking how am I going to survive my days in my final year without them. that bother me so much, more than you and I can think of.

To be honest, Gilly is no secret keeper. Across my room which is only a step away to the girls' room, I would dramatically scream my lungs out excitedly, run down the pale grayish door in front of me, and said, 'OMG!! I got to tell you this!! I can't keep it for another second. If I do, I'll die tragically!'
And the girls would pause (sometime not even listening, I know!), and I, as always the drama queen, tell them with enthusiastically my stories.
This is one of the small thing that I miss and somehow can't live without (but I'm sure they are happily live without it. but I know, deep down, they miss my drama!)

One secret that I never tell anyone (other than the girls, of course) that somehow embarrass me and might trigger your laugh nerve (the girls' triggered and they would tease me about it). In my fresh year in uni, for almost a semester (3-4 months), my life just revolves around my room, my RC, my faculty and around campus. Never I step out of the campus or even near to the main gate.
Maybe I was scared of being alone in this big old city.
I wanted to go home badly.
My result was bad.
My emotional level was unbelievable high,
I would cry in my room thinking that I would just choose UMS which is close to home and I'm sure I can find friends from Matrix abundantly.
but, actually, it was my own fault. I chosen nothing in the Borneo for my Uni choices.
Excuses: wanted to see the world. Don't want to born, raise, study, die, in Sabah.

'Dependent lil Gilly', that's what my Sifu said.
Not anymore, Sifu. Though it's not completely yet.
I can tell you that I learn to embrace the ME time, time where I would just hit the park and lie on the green grass together with my favorite book with my iPod for hours, ALONE.
I can tell you that I can survive the house that once filled with laughter and screaming, with just me sitting/lying on the floor with my iPod 'till I fall asleep in my own arm.

I once said to the girls, 'I should learn from you how to deal with being alone'. These girls are just so good in enjoying their time alone in the mall or to movies. For me, I would rather starve to death than eating out alone. Other than Hannah Montana: The Movie, I never watch movie in theater alone. (LOL) Before that, I pursued Joshua to come with me and even pay for the ticket, but he just hate Miley Virus, he would comment. But, Miley is just rare case.

Now, I would stroll the mall (tho I hate it), even go to down town alone. My day is ordinary but I don't stressed or being pressured in being alone. It's different. being alone before and now.

Just like what Micho said, 'A new door will open for you.'

INDEPENDENT me is in the making, bit by bit.

xoxo