The EastEnder.

Here I am writing this confession about my future, my ego, my shames, my lies, my secrets, my delayed.
This is dedicated to my beloved friends who cares to know, to share, to understand, to value, to forgive.

To write this, take a lot of guts as I'm sure you'll be shock and it's not easy to spills out when I am looking into your eyes and be honest about. This bloggie entree serve as medium for me to express those feeling inside that I kept from you.

Today marks a new chapter in Uni's freshies life as they'll start on a journey to find a better life via education. And as for me, that life is 4 years ago, and another 4 more months to go.
Yes, I am extending my study. Whilst, my fellow batch-mates of 07/08 had graduated and waiting to be awarded for their 4 years hard work.

If you care to know why, read more.

Remember when I said I wanna change to English instead of dying in Science?
It took me a semester in stake for that. Due to many obstacles and front desk troubles, I registered on a particular semester with only a few credit hours, and left a big hole in that semester doing nothing.
That's why I work.

Science drowned me out. I literally can't breath no longer, can't think properly, can't find the right portion to grasp, I being a left out student in class. I gave up at times. I messed up the paper. I suck in it. I failed to passed. For whatever happens then, all I can say is sorry, I regretted it. I wish I can turn back time. I wish I can change. I wish I just stays focus. Now, I hope my pass mistakes won't punish me any longer 'cuz it punished me enuff.

Maths sucked me into this big black hole that somehow draining my power of will to do things, my motivation, my conscious, my right thinking, my wisdoms.
It keeps on failing me, and failing me, and failing me, over and over again.
Sometimes, it just not blended to my blood, and I repel to it and stay out of Maths.
I promise to me self, when this finished, I'll be no longer Mathematicing around.
It just not my thing. (Read other entries about this)

Have you ever watch The Wipeout on AXN?
When the 4 finalist wants to compete for the $50G, they have to finish the obstacles in time that being set by the 1st contestant. But unlike many people, that would stop when they can't beat the time, I would go the distance and finishes the obstacles 'cuz its not about ending it that matters, but HOW you ended it.

I may not be as bright as you are, but I believe everybody has a rezeki (fortune/luck). And mine chooses to go down this road. For now, I have to stay here for awhile and will catch up witya soon.
So, you better get your life sorted before I am out, cuz you don't wanna me to beat your a**.

Thank you for reading.
Pray for me. For Strength. For Hope. For Life.
I pray for you too, for the great start of your new life.

xoxo
The EastEnder.

Homecoming Queen.

As Gwyneth Paltrow sang, it's the four letter words, a place you go to heal your hurt, it's an alter, it's a shelter, one place you always welcome, Home. And as for me, its a double story green house (literally), surrounded by Mak flowers and plants, a HOME.

That's where I came from and where I belong. 

Where the rain drops are heard & respected, 

wind blows that soothes your soul, 

that quacking ducks and barking dogs are fed like your child,

and it maybe not be London nor KL, full of bright lights shines that blinds your eyes, the lights are down earlier and my Kampung sounded literally like it's an abandoned pilgrimage camps. 

There are no midnight movies,

not much night food stalls,

and basically it's a numb nights there.

But hey, I like that bcuz it's calm me down as an individual. 

I tries to find stuff to do, which most of the time listening to music and playing games (not much of Facebook as there is not much of an Edge connection let alone 3G). 

I can see myself flying home often when I'm a working man bcuz this place pulled me back a lil bit and just woken up @ 10am and back to sleep after lunch, that just divine! 

Little bit longer, I feel dehydrated from those nothing-much-to-do activities. 

From those early night sleeping. 

From the f**king are-you-kidding-me neighbour!

From the sad Mak's stories.

From Umang's (my niece) crazy behaviour and her mom scolding her almost every minutes.

I needed something to do most of the time, and nothing to do sometimes. That's me.

I needed big city like KL to triggers me. To starts me up. To bring me to life, says Evanescence.

That's why I'm coming back. Keep coming back.

As times goes by, the goodbyes seems to be easy and easier.

Not much tear drops, just laughter and waiting-for-next-time-meeting wave.

I love home.

I love Mak.

I love Pak.

I love my family.

I'll come back soon, I promise.

Xoxo Gilly